Mom Thoughts

Today has been a very hard day for me for some reason. I would be lying if I said that I am doing better than I was 6 months ago when I lost my baby at 14 weeks gestation. Honestly, I have spent every single day since praying to God for another chance to have a baby or for answers as to why he chose me to be the mom of an angel. This morning, I woke up just missing my baby more than usual. I got a text from a dear friend, Brittany, to tell me she was in labor. We were both pregnant at the same time and she was the first person I called when I lost Allie. Although I am so happy for her, it did bring up the emotion of losing my own baby. So, I prayed for her and for me and turned on this little lady below -
I read one of Joyce Meyer's book and honestly. I also got on the internet and read about her ministry and there was nothing but bad things said about her, her ministry, and her finances. I had already formed an opinion of her BEFORE I ever watched her show. Anyway, about a month ago I came across her show on TV. It was a Sunday, I was running late for church, and felt guilty that I didn't go, so I asked DJ to watch the kids for thirty minutes and I did "church from home." More for me than for God, again brutal honesty, because I felt guilty for not going to church for the THIRD week in a row I might add. Shame on us!

I have been watching her show almost everyday for a month and today's show really hit me hard (like a baseball to the face hard)! She said that when shephards would buy lambs, they would break their legs and carry them so that by the time their legs healed, the lambs would be so attached to being close to the shephard that they never wandered off. Is that what God has done to me? Did he break my legs so I never strayed away again??

All along, I thought God just was not here, that I did something to lose my child, that I was being punished by God for something that I had done in the past and he took my child from me to teach me a lesson.

When I was younger, the teacher would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I never said police woman, teacher, or lawyer, I always said - mommy. It is the best job in the world without a doubt. When I got pregnant with Blaze, I was an unwed teenager who knew nothing about being a mom. My mother was a heroin addict and walked out of my life when I was very young. I had numerous stepmothers and my grandmother tried her best, but I never really had a mom. I was scared to death of having a baby, being someone's mother, not to mention someone's wife. I just took it one day at a time. When Blaze was born, it didn't come naturally. I would fake being asleep in the middle of the night so that DJ had to get up with Blaze because his crying made me sick to my stomach. I got anyone and everyone to watch him so I could "go out and be a teen." It wasn't until Blaze was about 6 months old that I realized I was a mother. That the dream I had wanted all my life had come true... and that was when I realized that I wanted to be a mother 24/7... A stay at home, non-working, 110% dedicated mom. We knew we wanted to have more children even after Ace came along.. and here we are 5 years later hoping that God will bless us with a baby again someday.

So, I hope this comes as an encouragement to all of you reading. I started this blog simply to help our family keep in touch and share photos of our family not knowing that along the way I would share my loss and some of my deepest thoughts with my readers. I have received numerous calls, texts, messages, and emails saying how this blog has helped so many people who needed someone to understand what they were going through. I'm just here writing what alot of women wish they could say. And I say to you, I understand and I'm here.