Lead Me Lord, I Can't Do This On My Own...

I have another blog that I write on from time to time, just more of a place just for me and not so much to discuss things about my family.  I catch myself being so wrapped up in my family that sometimes I do neglect my own feelings and needs.  I wanted to post my most recent blog here for all to read because I think some of you need to hear it.  When I blog, I don't just do it for myself, I do it for everyone who might need some encouragement....So below is a blog post I wrote 3 weeks after the passing of our second baby in a year. 

Does anyone else ever have the desire to just get to Heaven already? Well it happened to me yesterday as I sat at my grandmother's grave and words came out of my mouth that I didn't even realize I felt. There were times when she was still alive that I felt God leading me to tell her things that needed to be said - but I ignored those thoughts and now it is too late. I would give anything to spend one last day with my granny, to hold her hand, to brush her hair, to say "thank you for being my mom." I just see her up there rocking both my babies to sleep every night or playing checkers with my sweet Nana that passed away about two years ago.

My eight year old son was making granny a candle holder and wrote the words "I wish I could die so I could see you." Heartbroken is not a big enough word to describe how you feel when you see something like that from the mind of an eight year old. But, it got me to thinking about his child like faith. This is the same little boy that wrote a song to God in which he promised that NOTHING would keep him from God. If I could only have the faith like my son! He truly is who I inspire to be. He has the biggest heart and feels everything that everyone else feels whether it be anger or happiness or sadness and everything in between. He sees the world just a little bit brighter and always have a cheerful heart and a "go get it" attitude.

I was tested yet again this week when a friend tried to make accusations against me and my faith. I think her heart was in the right place, but her words cut like a knife. I was explaining to her that my anxiety has gotten worse to which she replied "you need Jesus." Knowing that she knows how much I cherish my faith and the relationship that I have with God, I was appalled. I wanted to say some very hurtful things, but really the only thing I could do was cry. Prior to this she had made comments telling me she hoped that I would stop trying to have a baby because it was hurting my family and that we had a difference of opinion on what salvation means. I now understand why so many people say that Christians are judgemental or that they avoid church but have faith. My relationship with Christ is MINE. It is deep rooted because I know who I am in HIM because he has revealed that to me. I may not have a church home right now, but I will find one. I teach my children to love God and to put him first. I could go on and on, but at the end of the day I know where my heart is and nothing hurts worse than to have someone you considered a friend question where you heart is.

It is situations like those that help me understand just how bad some people in this world are hurting. I see people make accusations to others because their own life is full of struggles. The old me a year ago would have been bitter or angry or looking for a way to fight back, but today I just feel sadness and want to pray for her. We are all fighting some sort of battle and NOBODY is immune. Those people that you see talking about their perfect life are normally the ones hurting the most. I see people bragging about their brand new car or their perfect marriage and I just want to reach out and touch them because I have been there. I spent so much of my teenage years faking my way through life without really experiencing the true joy of it. I would keep a smile while trying to hold back the tears. I have had so many people tell me that they are jealous of my life. That I am so lucky to have the life I do.. and in many ways that I am, but I have struggled so much to be where I am today.

So, for those of you who have asked how I am doing since we lost our little angel, let me be very clear - God IS good. I want to glorify him through every experience both good and bad. We as Christians tend to only praise God when things are good, but we forget that all things are on HIS timing within HIS plan. This is not my life and if it was, I wouldn't want it! I miss my babies dearly, but I know that they are mine forever and that I will see them again someday. I know that God had a reason for what he chose to do. That does not mean that I haven't spent the last three weeks even struggling to get out of bed. I have had days where I cried when I woke up and cried when I went to sleep. I've had fights with my husband that resulted in me swearing I would leave him for good. I have had more bad days than good.. especially when my son told me that he saw a bright star and wished that his baby didn't die or when I walk through a store and see little bright eyed babies looking at me like they know something I don't. What I do truly believe is that God put babies onto my heart for a reason. I started having this feeling soon after Ace was born that I was meant to be a mom and have a few more children. We had made a decision before this to only have 2 and I was convinced that I was going to go on birth control - but God had other plans. Looking back, I feel that maybe he was wanting me to get my hands dirty, to help a child that can't help themselves, or to volunteer my time and touch the lives of young people. Selfishly, I just thought it meant to have more children. I am so very glad that we made the decision not to go on birth control and that we both felt God put it on our hearts to have as many children as he saw fit. We just never saw all of the heartbreak ahead that we have had to endure. But, it all lead me back to a stronger faith. Brokenness bring us closer to God and I am thankful for that every single day, even after all the pain that I have had to endure.

I realize that I am far from perfect. That I have done things in my past that now literally make me sick to even think about. I have also went through more than I ever want my children to have to endure. In that time I have learned that the best thing you can do for yourself is forgive. I have watched close friends die both by suicide and by accident, I have seen people struggle with their own losses, and people go through things that I cannot even imagine having to deal with. Life is so precious but it is not promised. The only thing in this life you can be sure of is God's infinite love for his people. Forgive yourself, forgive those you love, and even forgive your enemies because everyone is fighting daily to stay alive... and one day none of this will matter. Love with all your heart, laugh along the way, help a person in need, cry your eyes out if that's what you need, then put it all at the foot of the cross and move on.

A huge part of me never wanted to blog again because it isn't easy to put your life out there for the world to see. I have had friends and even family read my blog and try to stir up trouble in my life over something that I said... but i've also had complete strangers (Courtney Nicole) become one of my closest friends because they read my blog and that makes it worth it. If one person comes here and reads my struggle and says "I am not alone" then my job here is done. I have said things on my blog that I never could have said in person, but got the chance to let people read instead and that makes it all worth it.

I hope my granny sees the woman I am today and is proud because she is the reason I am the wife, mom, and friend that I have become. She was and always will be the best mother that I could have ever asked for. I miss her so much and will never forget the good times.