Taking Some Time For Me.

This year has been one of the worst of my entire life.  I am not sure where it started going downhill, but it went there quickly.  So many things are being thrown at me at once and just when I think i've hit rock bottom, something else comes to surface and I just ask God "why???"

As you all know, my granny passed away back in March.  She was the rock of our family and I could tell she knew that the family would fall apart once she left us to go to Heaven.  The last time that I held her hand, she would not let go.  She told me that she was worried and I simply stroked her hair and said "everything is going to be okay.  It's alright, we are all okay."  I knew at that point that I had to change some of my thinking.  That I had to let go of some of the hurt and resentment I felt towards other members of our family.  I wanted to really reach out and bring the family back to make her proud - but I simply have failed. 

My grandmother and grandfather lived in the same house for almost thirty years.  In that time, we had alot of memories there.  Everything from births to deaths, Christmas dinners and lots of laughs.  I spent every Christmas eve night there since I was born.  This will be the first year that I will not be there - and it is crushing.  My sister lived there when she needed a place to stay.  I lived there throughout my teen years and had the best life there I could have ever hoped for.  My dad lived there when he couldn't afford a place of his own... my cousin Hope and I spent many days there playing store or preparing for big trips that Granny and Papaw took us on.  When Granny passed away, Papaw couldn't handle living there anymore.  He quickly packed up everything and even gave most of it away just to be done with it.  He put the house up for sale and we all said good-bye.  But it turned out this was not good-bye at all.

Without posting too many details, my father has decided to move into the house with his girlfriend who he now plans to marry.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about it, but as time has gone on I have done and said some really hurtful things just trying to figure out how I really feel deep down in my heart.  I think that my granny would want me to stand up and say this isn't the right thing to do.  It makes everyone in the family feel uncomfortable and that seems so selfish to me on their part.  The rest of the truth is that she is still married to someone else and that her and my father have a deeper connection than just them dating.  My father was the best man at her second marriage - to HIS best friend.  My father is friends with her father.  My father once dated her sister and was married to her ex-step mother.  It's all just too much for me to sit back and say "I'm happy for you."  I am not here trying to spread rumors or ask people to feel pity on me, I am here because I have lost connection with almost every single person in my life.  I know alot of it is because of me... because of the choices that I have made in the past that makes me quick to speak and anger and hard to talk to.  It has effected my marriage and my friendships and it has also effected bonds between my family and I, but I never expected it to come to this.  It seems as though my whole family has decided I should be left out.  They have decided that my father's girlfriend can be a part of the family, but I cannot.  I lack the capacity to respect her because she has chosen this path of moving her kids and herself into a home that my Granny worked hard to make a house filled with love.  I just cannot sit and be a part of it ever again. 

To add icing to the cake, they told me that they were engaged by her saying "wanna see what I got?" and then pulling out a ring.  All of this in the same day.  Every part of me just wanted to run off and hide - and another part of me just wanted to sit at Granny's grave and tell her how hurt I feel.  I know that Granny is looking down on me, looking at this whole situation, and I know that she would be proud of me for taking a stand.  I know the difference between right and wrong, but maybe I just act before I think about the best solution - I am starting to realize that I have to be considerate of other people and not just myself.  That I cannot continue to live in the "me" bubble anymore.  That although I do not condone my father living with a woman married to someone else, that I probably should have talked to him instead of blowing up in anger. 

Now, I have no idea where to go from here...I have nobody that I can talk to that isn't already involved in this mess in some way, form, or fashion.  I am just asking for prayers of peace and clarity of mind.  I want to deal with this differently than I have dealt with the problems of my past.  I want to think clearly and speak with thought and character instead of anger and hatred. 

I appreciate all of the prayers and I look forward to coming back with a happier update...