My GoodBye Letter.

To All My Readers,

I have been thinking and praying about this blog for a few weeks after realizing that although I am an open person and I don't mind sharing my story, there are some people in my story along the way who are hurt by it being public to anyone who would like to read it.  I have also posted things that I am not proud of as a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a friend.  I think that everyone goes through that dark time in their life when someone needs to come along and shake some sense into them and after really pondering where I want the future of my family to go, I have made the decision to stop writing this blog. 

My intention for this blog was simple, I needed a place to share my story and to be free to be me.  You really aren't able to tell the full story on Facebook or MySpace so I felt that having a blog would help people understand me better.  Moving to Crossville at the age of 18 and not knowing a soul made me nervous... and the town was not very welcoming.  I felt that people saw me with my blonde hair and my big boobs and they made an assumption of who I was - and you know maybe some of them were right, but some were also very wrong - and I wanted a place to redeem myself and say "this is who I am, take it or leave it."  If people were going to hate me, I wanted them to hate me instead of the person they thought I was and so my original blog was born.  Over the years, I have written about both happiness and pain and looking back, I have grown in so many ways, but I have also made some really bad decisions.  Some of those were out of jealousy, some out of pain, some out of not knowing how to grieve, and some were just purely mean on my part.  I have said some things that now make me cringe and made decisions that effected my whole family and not just myself. 

I know there is no way to go back and erase the past, but today I am pledging to move forward.  I choose to be happy again.  Part of that decision means that I need to be more private with my thoughts and decisions and really think things over before voicing my opinion or thought.  I am going to try to reach out and ask for forgiveness to alot of people and I hope that they also choose to forgive because this is truly in my heart of hearts how I really feel.  I do feel sorry for some of the things that I have done and said and I do from the bottom of my heart want to make it right.  It will not be easy, but it is my decision and regret and I must live with it no matter the outcome. 

I really appreciate all the nice comments, the words of encouragement, and the emails I have been sent since starting to really get deep into my past and who I truly am, not just what people see.  I realize that I am far from perfect and that I have made alot of mistakes, especially in the last five years of my life.  I have been suffering from severe social and general anxiety along with depression, and health issues as well.  That doesn't excuse my behavior, but it may help some people understand more of why I do and say the things that I do.  I have managed to make a few enemies and lose a few friends along the way and I don't put all the blame on them, I realize that I have done alot to hurt the people that had my back - and I am very, very sorry to all of you who are reading this and have been hurt by my actions. 

I am moving forward with my life in so many ways... I have absolutely loved having this blog and sharing my story with everyone, but for the sake of my life, my sanity, my family, and where I am at in my life today, I am deleting my blogs.  I have also cleared out most of the people from my FB page, not because of what they have done, but just for the sake of my family.  I want us to focus on us instead of everyone else - and I don't want anything and everything I say to start a battle with someone else.  I am done fighting, I have no fight left in me at this point.  I have lost alot of people that I truly cared about and nothing is worth that. 

In this span of about two years, I have really struggled with my depression.  After losing our precious baby in May 2011, a piece of me left with her and I will probably never get my whole self back.  I know that God had a plan that day, but I struggle to see the bigger picture.  Then, I lost my grandmother and experienced another tragic loss.  Our family has seen alot of ups and downs... and then when DJ lost his job it seemed the life I knew was gone - and maybe it is just that - gone.  I'm never going to be back to myself until I can heal and I cannot heal when their continues to be turmoil so that is why I'm here to say goodbye. 

I will continue to be on FB for the few close friends and family that I completely trust and at some point I may be back to the blogging world, but for now I just pray that healing and comfort comes and I am able to get one good night's sleep that I haven't had since 2011. 

Prayers and Hugs,
Ashley

Matt Turner, You Are An Angel.

The blogging world has been turned upside down and we have learned that one of our blogging friends, Julee Turner, has lost her husband at the young age of 32. 

 

You can read their full story on her blog at mattandjuleeturner.blogspot.com.  I have followed this sweet lady through her infertility struggles to help me get through my own battle - and along the way she has become more like a friend than just a writer of a blog.  I feel like that about so many of the blogging friends that I have made along the way. 

 

I sat here last night and poured my heart out onto this blog and was really feeling down and out.  I actually went to bed crying my little eyes out and unable to sleep.  This morning I felt a little better and planned to come blog a post titled "the aftermath" but before, I decided to check up on some of my favorite blogs...

 

As I read what Kelly had written over on Kelly's Korner, I realized that Julee has lost her beloved husband and the father of her 11 month old daughter, Preslee.  My heart ached for her and her precious daughter and all the many, many people that this man had touched with his life.  

 

If you feel in your heart that you would like to do something for this special family, please visit www.kellyskornerblog.com for a list of silent auctions and bank accounts set up for his wife and daughter.  Please continue to pray for this family as they deal with his horrific tragedy.  

Matt, you are an angel looking down on your wife and child.  May you rest in peace. 

Little Readers

Now that Ace is in first grade, his class walks once a week to a little retirement community called Jamestowne and they get to read to twenty of the cutest little elderly people...plus they get alot of hugs and kisses too!  I didn't want to overwhelm the kids by taking lots of pictures but I just had to get one of Ace on his very first time there.  He did a wonderful job reading and I am so lucky that I get to go with him every single week.  

 And this is his friend Mackenzie that also got the chance to read to me (you can see some of the lovely ladies in the background).  She is one of the best readers in the class, but she is so shy, I just love having time with some girls since I'm surrounded by nothing but boys at home :)

In a few weeks, Jamestowne is surprising the kids with a Halloween party and I hope to take some pictures then because it should be alot of fun.  I am so excited to get to see my children grow and learn and become young gentlemen.  I am my children's number one fan!

Leave the mending to the Mender, love.

It's a simple title yet so big you cannot really put into words.  What does that word even mean? and how did I get where I am today? I want to start by saying that God works in such a big way even when we do not think he is working.  As I sat at my computer tonight (on Facebook just doodling to be honest), I started getting really tired (two kids will do that to you) and decided I would just call my husband who is still at work and tell him I was going to go to bed early and watch a movie.  The kids are already in bed so it's quiet and I've had a bit of a hectic day so the last thing I wanted to do was come here and blog.

So, here I am of course. (ha!)

In a split second decision after talking to my husband and realizing he was already on his way home and I should stay up and wait for him, I decided to go read a blog I read often called "Bring The Rain."  It is written by Christian Author Angie Smith who started this blog after a diagnosis during pregnancy that left her wondering "why?". It is also in memory of her precious daughter Audrey that passed away soon after birth and she shares some of the most intimate moments of her life as not only a mom, wife, and author, but also as a woman of God who sometimes struggles with the everyday things that get us down.  She is such an inspiration to so many people, but today her words lifted me out of my seat and honestly, set a fire to my soul.  I had that "exactly what I needed to read" moment that we all at some point in our lives seem to have when someone is sharing a story that you swear they wrote for you. 

She wrote Leave the mending to the Mender, love.

Those of you who read my blog know that I am going through a huge situation right now with my family and that in the past, I have endured two tragic miscarriages that have left me feeling not good enough and broken.  In a way, that seems to be the theme for my life in general.  I didn't have the best relationship with my parents at times and as a teen I got into alot of things that left me feeling shameful and really lost.  I got pregnant as a teenager and felt the right thing to do was get married so I jumped into that as well and in some ways, failed miserably.  I struggled with being a young mom and let the people in my life drag me down and tell me I wasn't good enough.  Then, at 21, I ended up pregnant again.  My family wasn't of much help and my husband was working long hours to put food on the table.  I felt like there just had to be a better life out there for me.

In the meantime, I became bitter, angry, resentful, hurt, and... lost. 

These last few weeks, I have thought alot about the babies that I never got the chance to meet.  Our first we found out for sure was a girl that we chose to name Allie and I often wonder what she would be doing today in her little toddler life.  Would she have blonde hair like her oldest brother or be spunky like little man?  Would she have her daddy wrapped around her finger or be a total mommy's girl that loved pink and shopping.  But then, other thoughts come to mind...

What if she was sick and God knew that I couldn't handle that at the time in my life? After all, he knows every bit of our future as much as our past and he does things for the good of us even though we don't deserve it. I stopped wanting to question why she wasn't here and started wanting to praise him for the two children that I did have here on Earth.  Praising him for the other angels we lost that made us realize just how precious life is.  I praise him for the wonderful life he has given me.  The fact that I chose to get married at 19 because I was ashamed I was pregnant yet he gave me a man I call my best friend and after 10 years of marriage, here we are, happier than ever.  Maybe these angels were meant to touch the lives of others as well.  After all, this blog wouldn't even be here today had I not lost my precious little Allie Grace.  I would not have my dear friend, Courtney, who I met because someone had sent her the link to my blog when she lost her sister. 

I now have plans to start a group for women who have suffered the loss of a child and we hope to grow into something as big as what God wants us to be.  I have used my pain and tragedy to impact the lives of others and in return, my heart has mended.  Even writing this blog post tonight has been an eye opener for me.  When I saw on her blog that she was asking women to write about their own mending experiences, I didn't realize how healing it would be.  I just wanted to come here and have the chance to write a post and win a really cool prize (Angie is giving away a spa package to one lucky winner and a friend so I thought why not?) but now as I finish up this blog I realize that I've already won. 

You can find Angie's Blog Bring The Rain at http://angiesmithonline.com/.

The reason for this blog contest is to celebrate the release of her all new book. It is wonderfully titled Mended and you can purchase by clicking on either link below: (I am not tech savvy and haven't figured out how to simplify these so excuse the long link.)

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/mended-angie-smith/1111318078?ean=9781433676604

http://www.amazon.com/Mended-Pieces-Life-Made-Whole/dp/1433676605/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347327784&sr=8-1&keywords=mended+angie+smith

If you decide to purchase the book, please let me know as I would love to hear how amazing it is!  I will probably go this week to purchase my own copy and share at women's group next week!  I would also love to hear stories of how God has mended your life so feel free to leave me a comment or even a long story in my email at ashleywilsonjackson@gmail.com.  I would feel so blessed to win this because I just don't take enough time to do things with friends and I know exactly who I would take with me. 

And, if you or someone you know is struggling with something in your life, remember not only what she wrote but his promise...

Leave the mending to the Mender, love.

1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 - For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

This Weekend Was A Blast!

 

We had a really good weekend!

 

A good weekend was much needed after the week that we had.  We needed some mom and son time and a chance to just relax and have some fun.

 

We went to play at a nearby park and the boys made some friends.

 The boys were so sweaty by the time we left..even though it was like 72 degrees.

 We celebrated DJ's 29th birthday by making him some homemade gifts.

We also bought him Madden 13 for PS3 which he loved and still plays everynight.

(Boys and their toys, right?)

 My little sweetie Blaze picked up this notebook for me for church.

He has such a kind and giving heart.

 We had a full day Saturday of Shopping and Visiting with friends. 

We stopped by Chick Fil A first for some lunch and to play a little...

 Blaze's friend Joslyn (her dad writes the blog Diggin In With Tony for Potters House Church) invited him and his little brother to a party at a gymnastics place in Knoxville.

I will admit that the boys almost didn't go because they thought it would be alot of girls and maybe a little tumbling or something corny (his words not mine)

BUT THEY HAD A BLAST!!!

 The place was FULL of kids and stuff for them to bounce and jump on.

Blaze actually decided he wants to have his party there too after seeing all the excitement.

It came at a good time because we have been talking about moving to that area (about thirty minutes from where we live now) and this place was just five minutes down the road.

 We have started going to a church (mainly online for now) that is about ten miles from DJ's work so while we were in the area, we decided to let the boys try the FP Kids program out and check out a Saturday night sermon - and it was amazing!  We have been trying so hard to find a church to fit the needs of our growing faith and we have felt at times that we would just never fit in anywhere.

Sometimes, you just walk into a church and feel that they are all friends and have grown up together and there is just no room for one more person, but as you can see by the photo below, there is plenty of room there to grow in alot of ways .. not just physically as you can see by the large building but also in your family and in your faith.  If God gives us another child we would know that they would be well taken care of during our services and the kids program is also top notch. 

I plan to do a full blog about the church in the near future for those that are in the area and would like to know more about why we chose this church and what we see going on in the future.

 

I also wanted to say that I took a break from the thirty day challenge after we finished on Sunday.  I will be picking it back up tommorrow with Day Four and the next blog post above will be about the next five or so days in case you are keeping along in your own journey -

and if you are, i'd like to hear from you!

 

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!!

Oh, and GO TITANS!!!!!



A Little Hometown Football

We have started thinking about moving (yet again ugh) a little closer to DJ's work..

and to this new church we have been trying out, so we decided last night we would catch a local football game at my old hometown of KINGSTON :) 

 

They beat Scott County 35-7 and it was a really good game to take the boys to! 

 

 

We have a tradition every Friday because DJ gets off work early that we take the boys somewhere to eat out.  We have started a new rule that we only eat out during the weekends and for our family, that is a big deal.  This time last year we were eating ALL meals out.  I literally had not cooked a meal in a year before we moved here. 

While we were there, we got the chance to see my little neice, Sophia.  Her mother is my half sister and due to some family circumstances, we don't get to see her as often as we like.  She was grown into such a beautiful little girl and the boys loved being able to sit with her and her friends :)

 



 

My husband bought me these bright orange shoes and I love them!! They are perfect for both Kingston games and of course, the BIG ORANGE VOLS!!!

 

 

As always, I had a wonderful night out spending time with my little family.  We are cherishing the time that we are now able to spend together.  We spent so many years never getting the chance to spend time with DJ due to his work schedule, so we don't waste any night we have available with him now!

 

 

 



An Update On Blaze & Ace! :)

Colton Blaze Jackson is now 8 (and a half) years old.  He is in the third grade at KES.  His teacher's name is Mrs. Thurman.  He is currently on the all A honor roll.  He says this is his best year ever and he seems to love the school so far.  His favorite subject in school is Math.  His best friend in school is Kane, but he will always have Kobe as his number one best friend.  He loves to play all sorts of football whether it be Madden on the PS3 or at home in the yard.  He weighs 50 pounds and is a little over 3 feet tall.  He is a great big brother.  This year is his first year wearing glasses at school.  He is very well behaved, likes going to church, always begs to play on the computer, and is just a joy to be around. 

Landon Ace Jackson is 6 years old.  He is in the first grade at KES.  His teacher's name is Mrs. Plemons.  He is quickly learning to read on a higher level than expected.  He has really calmed down compared to last year.  He really likes school and especially loves his teacher.  His best friend at school is Connon, but he also has other friends all over TN because we have moved alot.  His favorite subject in school is PE.  He weighs pretty much the same as his brother and is almost three feet tall.  He reminds us every Saturday night that Sunday is church day, he absolutely loves visiting his daddy at work, and he has filled our life with more joy than we could ever imagine. 

Taking Some Time For Me.

This year has been one of the worst of my entire life.  I am not sure where it started going downhill, but it went there quickly.  So many things are being thrown at me at once and just when I think i've hit rock bottom, something else comes to surface and I just ask God "why???"

As you all know, my granny passed away back in March.  She was the rock of our family and I could tell she knew that the family would fall apart once she left us to go to Heaven.  The last time that I held her hand, she would not let go.  She told me that she was worried and I simply stroked her hair and said "everything is going to be okay.  It's alright, we are all okay."  I knew at that point that I had to change some of my thinking.  That I had to let go of some of the hurt and resentment I felt towards other members of our family.  I wanted to really reach out and bring the family back to make her proud - but I simply have failed. 

My grandmother and grandfather lived in the same house for almost thirty years.  In that time, we had alot of memories there.  Everything from births to deaths, Christmas dinners and lots of laughs.  I spent every Christmas eve night there since I was born.  This will be the first year that I will not be there - and it is crushing.  My sister lived there when she needed a place to stay.  I lived there throughout my teen years and had the best life there I could have ever hoped for.  My dad lived there when he couldn't afford a place of his own... my cousin Hope and I spent many days there playing store or preparing for big trips that Granny and Papaw took us on.  When Granny passed away, Papaw couldn't handle living there anymore.  He quickly packed up everything and even gave most of it away just to be done with it.  He put the house up for sale and we all said good-bye.  But it turned out this was not good-bye at all.

Without posting too many details, my father has decided to move into the house with his girlfriend who he now plans to marry.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about it, but as time has gone on I have done and said some really hurtful things just trying to figure out how I really feel deep down in my heart.  I think that my granny would want me to stand up and say this isn't the right thing to do.  It makes everyone in the family feel uncomfortable and that seems so selfish to me on their part.  The rest of the truth is that she is still married to someone else and that her and my father have a deeper connection than just them dating.  My father was the best man at her second marriage - to HIS best friend.  My father is friends with her father.  My father once dated her sister and was married to her ex-step mother.  It's all just too much for me to sit back and say "I'm happy for you."  I am not here trying to spread rumors or ask people to feel pity on me, I am here because I have lost connection with almost every single person in my life.  I know alot of it is because of me... because of the choices that I have made in the past that makes me quick to speak and anger and hard to talk to.  It has effected my marriage and my friendships and it has also effected bonds between my family and I, but I never expected it to come to this.  It seems as though my whole family has decided I should be left out.  They have decided that my father's girlfriend can be a part of the family, but I cannot.  I lack the capacity to respect her because she has chosen this path of moving her kids and herself into a home that my Granny worked hard to make a house filled with love.  I just cannot sit and be a part of it ever again. 

To add icing to the cake, they told me that they were engaged by her saying "wanna see what I got?" and then pulling out a ring.  All of this in the same day.  Every part of me just wanted to run off and hide - and another part of me just wanted to sit at Granny's grave and tell her how hurt I feel.  I know that Granny is looking down on me, looking at this whole situation, and I know that she would be proud of me for taking a stand.  I know the difference between right and wrong, but maybe I just act before I think about the best solution - I am starting to realize that I have to be considerate of other people and not just myself.  That I cannot continue to live in the "me" bubble anymore.  That although I do not condone my father living with a woman married to someone else, that I probably should have talked to him instead of blowing up in anger. 

Now, I have no idea where to go from here...I have nobody that I can talk to that isn't already involved in this mess in some way, form, or fashion.  I am just asking for prayers of peace and clarity of mind.  I want to deal with this differently than I have dealt with the problems of my past.  I want to think clearly and speak with thought and character instead of anger and hatred. 

I appreciate all of the prayers and I look forward to coming back with a happier update...

Seven Shows You Need To See

I'm in a "blogging bind" these days.  I have things I want to share but then choose not to for whatever reason or I'm just not sure anyone wants to read my ranting for 45 minutes about how my kids will not tie their shoes even if I ask them fifty times a day...ha! 

So, I figured I would blog about something that doesn't pertain to my family or my life, just my love for television.  I want to feature a few of my favorite shows that I just can't live without!  So, here are seven shows I think you should watch if you don't and why! :) 

1.) Brothers And Sisters:

I found this show not on television, but in the clearance isle of Blockbuster.  My kids and I used to have a tradition of going into their small store in Crossville every Friday night and renting enough movies to last the weekend.  While the kids would roam the kids section, I would attempt to purchase movies instead of renting if they had them on sale.  This particular day they were selling TV Series on Clearance for $14!  I looked through them and read the backs of a few and a girl walked up to me and said, if you like family drama, you would love Brothers And Sisters! So, I brought it home and as the kids slept I watched the whole first season IN ONE NIGHT.  I was instantly hooked and soon after, so was DJ!  It follows Sally Field as Nora Walker and makes you think her family is so perfect..but then the secrets begin to unfold.  Their father is having an affair, he actually dies in the very first episode, and the family is left uncovering secret after secret.  They also all run a business together and life gets very complicated.  It's compelling and will leave you both laughing and crying until the very end. 

2.) So You Think You Can Dance:



I'm pretty sure i've posted about this show a few times before.  It will literally rock your socks off!  It brings out some of the most talented people I have ever had the pleasure of seeing dance and it is constantly winning all types of awards for everything from costumes to choreography.  The show is produced by Nygel Lythgoe who brought us American Idol and has some of the most talented judges including Adam Shankman, a World known producer of movies like The Last Song and The Step Up Series. 

3.)  Army Wives:

I heard alot of women raving about how great this show was but honestly, I didn't think I would like it because I have never lived the Army life or even really know alot about it.  The title kind of gives you a different idea than what the actual show is all about.  Although it does revolve around a platoon and their families, it is a great family drama for anyone and everyone.  It centers around four girlfriends and their friend Roland and life in the military and brings out all types of different personalities like Roxy, who is the "wild one" who has two previous children and marries a military man just weeks after meeting him, Claudia Joy who seems like the perfect wife and will do anything and everything for her family, and Roland who is the guy thrown into the mix when his wife becomes high up in the Chain of Command.  There are heartbreaking moments when someone loses a child, their are funerals that will put chills down your spine, and then there are moments like trying to juggle four children on no sleep, that just make you feel like they are a part of your family. 

4.) Teen Wolf:

Go ahead and say what I said at first....it sounds like another teenage show that we "old folks" will never understand - and I will admit, the first episode did nothing for me and left both my husband and I wondering if we should even bother watching it.  I'm so glad we did though because by episode two, it brought out some great acting and storylines.  It's not your typical teenage show, it brings teens and adults together to fight off evil along with temptation and the problems of everyday life.  Tyler Posey is one of the best upcoming actors of his generation I truly believe.  He plays Scott who essentially is, the Teen Wolf.  He is madly in love with a girl and the first season centered around him realizing that he was a wolf and that he could not be together with her if he wanted to keep her safe.  By season two, it brought on a whole new set of problems and really got in depth of what life is like in most American families (minus the whole wolf part - ha!).  Some of the other actors including Tyler Hoechlin who you probably remember from Seventh Heaven and a new star, beautiful and talented, Holland Roden who becomes the love interest for Scott's Best friend, Stiles.  Stiles brings the comedy to the show as a dorky and sarcastic teen who "never gets the girl." You will laugh, cry, and be left on the edge of your seat until the very end.  It just ended it's second season this week, but will be back on in the fall and MTV has boasted it is one of their highest rated shows ever so I don't see it going anywhere, anytime soon!

5.) Days Of Our Lives:

I am going old school!  I have been watching DOOL since I was a baby and I have grown up with alot of the characters, many of them still on the show today.  I know most people do not like soap operas because they tend to drag on and on with storylines, but Days has really stepped up with a new writing team and a new generation of talented actors and actresses to make this show a continued success.  It started in 1971 and is one of very few soaps still on air today.  A few years ago, their ratings went drastically down and they revamped the show calling it Days 2.0.  They completely remodeled their set, changed alot of their dragging storylines, brought back some old faces such as Marlena Evans, whom the show is pretty much centered around along with the villian, Stefano Dimera.  They also brought in a new set of people to connect with the younger audience and so far, it has worked out wonderful.  If you need an hour a day to sit down and just escape from life, you would love spending time daily in Salem and after 26 years, I still can't seem to stop watching.  Some of my greatest memories are those spent watching Days with my Granny Wilson.  We had a nightly ritual that she would run me a hot bath, my papaw would light the kerosene heater and make me a bowl of Choc Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, and then we would pop our VHS tape in that they had recorded that day and we would all watch Days together.  Now that she is gone, my dad and I still carry on that family tradition and watch it together when we can.  Some of my favorite storylines going on right now are the love between a young couple named Melanie and Chad, the recent gas explosion and the chaos it left behind, Sami and EJs constant love affair, and the story between a woman named Nicole who desperately wants a child and is finally pregnant (which hits home for us).

6.) One Born Every Minute:

This show is riveting and well written and produced.  It is a show based on real life parents at a real life hospital preparing to have their baby.  It gives an in depth look at the family and how the baby is going to change their life.  They have covered mothers who have experienced loss, those fighting cancer, even teen moms giving their baby a better life via adoption.  I have watched alot of baby shows, but this one is on my list because it is classy and deep, not just a quick glimpse of what happens on that special day.  It is narrated by Jamie Curtis and her voice makes the show so intimate and believable, so much so that you almost feel like you are there.  I wasn't able to find out if this show is coming back for another season, but they do often show re-runs on Discovery Health. 

7.) One Tree Hill:

I saved this one for last because it is deep in my heart.  If you want a show that will change your life and make you want to chase your dreams, OTH is the show.  Although it starts based on high school teenagers and life in a small North Carolina town, it ends up being so much more than that.  After a few seasons, the show decided to fast forward into the character's lives by four years and it made you feel that you had followed them every step of their journey from childhood to adulthood.  It follows two brothers, Lucas and Nathan who have the same father, Dan, but different mothers.  Nathan's life is high class, his mother and father are married, they live in a huge house, and Dan even owns the town's car dealership.  Lucas on the other hand never knew Dan and was raised by his mother and his uncle, Keith.  Someone spots Lucas practicing basketball on the rivercourt and realizes that he is just as talented as Nathan...so he decides to try out for the team and that forces Nathan to be a part of his life - which he is not happy with.  This show really pushes the envelope on how to deal with events in today's society.  They did the very first school shooting on a televised show after Columbine.  That episode changed alot of people's lives including mine.  It was well written and dug deep into what it probably felt like to be in a school with a shooter who has nothing left to live for.  What is deeper is what happens AFTER the shooter has given up, we see that Dan has such hatred for his brother Keith, sees an opportunity to get rid of him, and picks up the gun to kill him.  It was the moment in OTH history that everyone can never forget and that is just one of many memories you will remember if you watch the show. 

So, there you have it... my list of the seven shows I think you need to see!  I had alot of fun writing this post and it was nice to post something other than pictures of my kiddos or my life frustrations - although that is much needed too.  If you all watch any of these shows and like them because of my post, please comment and let me know.  It's friday - the perfect time to rent season one of these shows, come home, and relax :) 

Have a Great Weekend Lovelies! 

My Take On The Great Chick Fil A Debate

 

What does "love them like Jesus" mean to you?  

 

I ask this question because of all the recent uproar over same sex marriage and the Chick Fil A arguments that are plastered on every news channel and social media outlet in the world.  As a Christian, I was really saddened by the bickering I saw and heard firsthand at the hands of people that I admired or sought wisdom and comfort in.  I know we all have our opinions and thanks to those who fight for our freedom, we have the ability to express those opinions whichever way we choose...however, I feel that America has it all wrong - and I'm going to tell you why.

 

I know that many of you will disagree with me and that is fine, just remember, we all sin and sin is sin and we are told specifically not to judge others.  Let's look at the facts before I tell you how i'm feeling and how I came to my own conclusions.  I did extensive research before I made the decision to post this information along with my opinions.

 

The divorce rate in the United States as of April 2012 is right at 51%.  Second and Third marriages see an increase of up to 78%.  This means that half the children in our society today are faced with the feelings that come along with divorce including loneliness, anger, bitterness, insecurity, and abandonment.  Divorce in our country is due to the lack of values and understanding the meaning of commitment, loyalty, responsibility and the will to work together to sustain the family united - in my humble opinion. Marriage is a commitment made between to people, to care and support each other to fulfill their goals and objectives to enable each other to contribute to the economic and welfare of the family. A family that is united by love is a family that will endure any thing; love, trust and unity are the key elements of a successful marriage.  I am not acting like I am a professional in the area of marriage, but we have to face the facts.  The sanctity of marriage is not going away because men are wanting to marry men or women are wanting to marry women, the sanctity of marriage is going away because we as a society have become pushy, impatient, angry, bitter, and in a sense, unloveable.  I am by no means supporting gay marriage or saying that it is okay, I am simply saying that the hate that is being spread is not okay and I refuse to participate in any of it. 

 

I cannot imagine being a gay person in the world today.  It had to have been really hard for them to endure Chick Fil A Day and all the uproar that came with it.  I was shocked to see how many of my loving, Christian friends not only supported it but posted pictures of it boasting proudly that they were against gay marriage.  Some research was done directly after that day and found that up to 8 gay people took their own lives in result of what took place.  Eight People felt so hated, so beat up, so unloved, that they killed themself. 

 

 That brings me to my next thought...I want to lead people to Christ, not torment them to hell or suicide. 

 

You can love the sinner without loving the sin but passing judgement on them just puts your life under a microscope and also turns those people away from God because of YOU. I don't want to be the person that stands in the way from someone wanting a relationship with Christ.

  I want to be the person that helps people to get to him and be around his people as much as possible. I understand that they are the only one who can seek him into their heart, but I don't want them to ever turn away because of my hurtful judgements or to pass up going to church because of "people like that".  Could you imagine being in their shoes? I sure couldn't. 

 

I saw people posting bible verses and while I understand that the bible is clear on marriage being between man and woman, I had to think of all the other things that the bible is clear on that we do not do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.  I just don't understand why people are so quick to judge others instead of looking at their own life.  I have so many things in my life I need to deal with.  My relationship with Christ is better than ever, but that brings on a feeling of maturity and responsibility to grow in your faith.  When God came into my heart, I experienced pure joy, but I did not experience hatred for other people - no matter what type of sinning they were a part of.  If you want to support people and show them what being a Christian means, then by all means, please do.  But, all I ask is that you love them like Jesus.  I had to think about the age old question, what would Jesus do? Would he be walking into Chick Fil A eating at a place simply because they are against same sex marriage?  Or better yet, would he be using the money spent on an average meal at Chick Fil A which is $7.11 to feed up to 7 other hungry people.  Chick Fil A saw a 42% increase in Sales (according to some reports) on that day which meant that they grossed about 1.7 million extra in sales - if that info is correct (again, i'm no stastics expert, just went digging around the internet).

 

How many hungry people could have been fed with 1.7 MILLION DOLLARS? 

 

When asked about the day, this is what the President of Chick Fil A had to say:

 

Chick-fil-A says it set a sales record on Wednesday, the day that supporters rallied around the fast-food chain amid a debate over its president's opposition to same-sex marriage.

The chain said it won't release sales numbers, but "we can confirm reports that it was a record-setting day," said Steve Robinson, Chick-fil-A's executive vice president of marketing.
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee had called on people to buy food at the chain on Wednesday, which he dubbed "Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day," after a backlash against the company and their president.

So, it lead me to think..what did this accomplish? 
Was there one person saved? Was there anybody turned away from being Gay?  Did someone realize that they were going to hell and changed their ways?  Did we feed the hungry or raise money for those in need?  As far as I know, the answer to all of these is quite possibly no.
But did we spread hatred?  Did we draw a line between gays and straights? Did we allow people to commit what many believe to be a hate crime? Did we hurt the lives of many people along the way?  The answer to that is a quick YES.  We did alot of damage... and we probably pushed many people even farther away from Jesus and the church.  If you were gay and were thinking about visiting church or possibly trying to learn about the bible, would you want to after seeing all of this?  I know I sure wouldn't.  I would feel unloved, dirty, and a lost cause. 

But, the thing is, we are all lost causes.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  ALL of us.  Gay people, straight people, married people, unmarried people, black people, white people, moms, dads, murderers, liars, thiefs, adulterers, the list goes on and on.... 

In today's society, it is becoming harder and harder to receive acceptance from those around you.  We have seen a huge uprise in teen suicide for that same reason.  I feel that by us participating in things like this, we are starting a generation of "haters" that will go to all lengths to pass judgement on others - which in return leaves little time to worry about the judgement of ourselves.  I worry that my children will someday be faced with those same harsh criticisms if they are, in the eyes of society, different. 

This is simply my opinion which I felt led to share.  I am just a person striving to love Jesus with all my heart, mind, and soul.  I have struggled in every aspect of my life and I know firsthand how it feels to be unaccepted, unloved, even hated.  I am a mom who truly wants to try to change the world for my children and my peers.  I am a wife who is thankful that in the midst of what seems to be the highest divorce rate ever, my marriage is standing on solid ground.  I am a sinner, just as we all are, and I fall short of the glory of God every single day of my life ... but oh how he loves me anyway.  How we fills me with such pure joy and happiness that no words can describe.

I don't want to ever stand in the way of someone else getting the chance to experience that.

 We can bring alot more people to Christ by showing his love than we ever could by showing our hate or judgements. 



The Worst 13 Days I've Ever Had.... (graphic)

I have to say the last 13 days have been HORRIBLE for me.  As if it wasn't bad enough that we had a multitude of awful things happen to our family, unexpected bills and mishaps, and school registration, etc.  I woke up on a Sunday morning having some horrible tooth pain and it felt as if it was moving into my jaw.  I took some tylenol and spent most of the day in bed.  On Monday, I woke up at 4am and was numb on the right side of my face all the way through my jaw - and not the good kind of numb but the kind that throbs uncontrollably. 

By that Friday, I was begging to go to the hospital.  They tried to tell me that I had an abscess tooth which I knew I didn't because I had one two years ago and had none of these current symptoms.  On Saturday, I was finally diagnosed with Mandibular Cellulitis.  If you have no idea what it is, trust me, you don't ever want to experience it and find out first hand. 

It is basically a staph infection that seeps from a tooth into your jaw.  It was causing my jaw to try to break thru so that the pus could exit, but it had nowhere to go.  Finally, yesterday, after I slept for about nine hours straight and had two different antiobiotics over ten days, it broke thru my gum (again very painful) close to one of my front teeth and started seeping faster than we could get it out of my mouth. 

So, that's where I have been the last two weeks.  The boys started school this week and I didn't even get to take them or get pictures of them.  I will try to capture some memories this week if possible.  I hope and pray that all of you sending kids off this week had a wonderful time with your kids and didn't cry too much ;)

Before I go, I do have a few prayer requests:

• My uncle, John Kennedy, has had been experiencing horrible pain in his neck and back.  At some point last week, he was attempting to get to a hospital and had to be rushed by ambulance because they thought he was having a heart attack or stroke.  It turned out he was having some major nerve issues and on Friday he had to have surgery on his neck.  He was supposed to feel relief and be released but I am being told that he is still in severe pain and is not healing like they had hoped. 
• My friends, Maggie and Nathan Wilson, just welcomed a baby girl yesterday named Alyson and my friends, Melanie and Spence Bruner welcomed a baby boy this week too!  Please pray for a speedy recovery for both ladies and that the babies are welcome into their lives with ease.
• Erica Howard is expecting a baby this year.  I posted about her tragic loss of her baby girl last year.  We had previous miscarriages together and I felt led to ask for prayers for her along this pregnancy.

Help Find Hunter Barnes

I was asked to re-post this for a friend.  This boy has not been seen since June and from what I hear directly from the close relatives, the local news are barely covering his story and Nancy Grace has turned down his family from being on their show.  If you are in the Blount County area and read my blog, please share this on your own blog, FB, Twitter, Etc... Just anything to get this young man home to this family! Or if you or anyone you know happens to have any info no matter how small you think it may be, please contact the Blount County Sherrif's Department at (865) 277-5200 or The Missing Persons Tipline at 1-800-Missing. 

My Life (According To Ace)

I just found this thing that Ace filled out at the end of Kindergarten talking about his mom and how much he loves her (aaww!)  Then, there was a survey for the kids to fill out - (his answers are in black.)

My mother is 20 years old.
My mother is not tall. 
My mother weighs alot.
We go to walmart alot.
My favorite thing to do with my mother is play games.
What does your mother do all day?  Shop.
What does your mother say a lot?  No.
My mothers favorite food is cheese.
My mothers favorite tv show is days.
Does your mother sing in the car? yes
Can your mother dance? yes
Where does your mother work?  on the computer
How much do you love your mother? a hole lot
What do you want to tell your mom? i love her.

A Little Monday Pondering....

Do you dream in color? Or are your dreams just in Black and White? 

For me, my dreams are very vivid and by vivid I mean at times I wake up in a complete panic almost 100% sure my dream was real.  I have discussed this with my husband and some of my closest friends, but after dreaming the same dream for almost a week straight, I thought I would share.

Basically, every night my granny has been in my dreams in some way, shape, or form.  I have been dealing with some feelings of guilt or remorse that things were not said or done before she passed away and now I feel that she is attempting to help me make peace with those feelings in my dreams. 

Please, don't tell me i'm crazy and just let me go on and believe this... because I need to know that this is her reaching out to me.  I need her to be reaching out to me so bad. 

In the latest dream, she is talking about my cousin and their upcoming baby, Baby Boy #3.  I haven't discussed this dream with them yet, but plan to because she is trying to tell me something and I wanted to share with them in case it was something she was trying to get to them.  Ok, now I sound really crazy, right?

If any of you know more about dreams or can help me translate them, please leave me a comment.  In the meantime, I always have my dreams.... as vivid as they are. 

Bowling With My Babies!

We took advantage of free bowling in our new town!

Check out www.kidsbowlfree.com to see if your town also has

free bowling for your kids!

This was Ace's first time bowling.  He had a blast! 

Blaze is just too cool right? :) 



I had fun with my other baby too!  Bowling night was a success for sure!! 

For my stay at home moms out there, what do you do for fun during the Summer? 

I am looking for a few ideas to fill these last few weeks at home with them.

I am actually not excited for school to start like I was last year; I have had an

absolute blast having them at home. 

Lead Me Lord, I Can't Do This On My Own...

I have another blog that I write on from time to time, just more of a place just for me and not so much to discuss things about my family.  I catch myself being so wrapped up in my family that sometimes I do neglect my own feelings and needs.  I wanted to post my most recent blog here for all to read because I think some of you need to hear it.  When I blog, I don't just do it for myself, I do it for everyone who might need some encouragement....So below is a blog post I wrote 3 weeks after the passing of our second baby in a year. 

Does anyone else ever have the desire to just get to Heaven already? Well it happened to me yesterday as I sat at my grandmother's grave and words came out of my mouth that I didn't even realize I felt. There were times when she was still alive that I felt God leading me to tell her things that needed to be said - but I ignored those thoughts and now it is too late. I would give anything to spend one last day with my granny, to hold her hand, to brush her hair, to say "thank you for being my mom." I just see her up there rocking both my babies to sleep every night or playing checkers with my sweet Nana that passed away about two years ago.

My eight year old son was making granny a candle holder and wrote the words "I wish I could die so I could see you." Heartbroken is not a big enough word to describe how you feel when you see something like that from the mind of an eight year old. But, it got me to thinking about his child like faith. This is the same little boy that wrote a song to God in which he promised that NOTHING would keep him from God. If I could only have the faith like my son! He truly is who I inspire to be. He has the biggest heart and feels everything that everyone else feels whether it be anger or happiness or sadness and everything in between. He sees the world just a little bit brighter and always have a cheerful heart and a "go get it" attitude.

I was tested yet again this week when a friend tried to make accusations against me and my faith. I think her heart was in the right place, but her words cut like a knife. I was explaining to her that my anxiety has gotten worse to which she replied "you need Jesus." Knowing that she knows how much I cherish my faith and the relationship that I have with God, I was appalled. I wanted to say some very hurtful things, but really the only thing I could do was cry. Prior to this she had made comments telling me she hoped that I would stop trying to have a baby because it was hurting my family and that we had a difference of opinion on what salvation means. I now understand why so many people say that Christians are judgemental or that they avoid church but have faith. My relationship with Christ is MINE. It is deep rooted because I know who I am in HIM because he has revealed that to me. I may not have a church home right now, but I will find one. I teach my children to love God and to put him first. I could go on and on, but at the end of the day I know where my heart is and nothing hurts worse than to have someone you considered a friend question where you heart is.

It is situations like those that help me understand just how bad some people in this world are hurting. I see people make accusations to others because their own life is full of struggles. The old me a year ago would have been bitter or angry or looking for a way to fight back, but today I just feel sadness and want to pray for her. We are all fighting some sort of battle and NOBODY is immune. Those people that you see talking about their perfect life are normally the ones hurting the most. I see people bragging about their brand new car or their perfect marriage and I just want to reach out and touch them because I have been there. I spent so much of my teenage years faking my way through life without really experiencing the true joy of it. I would keep a smile while trying to hold back the tears. I have had so many people tell me that they are jealous of my life. That I am so lucky to have the life I do.. and in many ways that I am, but I have struggled so much to be where I am today.

So, for those of you who have asked how I am doing since we lost our little angel, let me be very clear - God IS good. I want to glorify him through every experience both good and bad. We as Christians tend to only praise God when things are good, but we forget that all things are on HIS timing within HIS plan. This is not my life and if it was, I wouldn't want it! I miss my babies dearly, but I know that they are mine forever and that I will see them again someday. I know that God had a reason for what he chose to do. That does not mean that I haven't spent the last three weeks even struggling to get out of bed. I have had days where I cried when I woke up and cried when I went to sleep. I've had fights with my husband that resulted in me swearing I would leave him for good. I have had more bad days than good.. especially when my son told me that he saw a bright star and wished that his baby didn't die or when I walk through a store and see little bright eyed babies looking at me like they know something I don't. What I do truly believe is that God put babies onto my heart for a reason. I started having this feeling soon after Ace was born that I was meant to be a mom and have a few more children. We had made a decision before this to only have 2 and I was convinced that I was going to go on birth control - but God had other plans. Looking back, I feel that maybe he was wanting me to get my hands dirty, to help a child that can't help themselves, or to volunteer my time and touch the lives of young people. Selfishly, I just thought it meant to have more children. I am so very glad that we made the decision not to go on birth control and that we both felt God put it on our hearts to have as many children as he saw fit. We just never saw all of the heartbreak ahead that we have had to endure. But, it all lead me back to a stronger faith. Brokenness bring us closer to God and I am thankful for that every single day, even after all the pain that I have had to endure.

I realize that I am far from perfect. That I have done things in my past that now literally make me sick to even think about. I have also went through more than I ever want my children to have to endure. In that time I have learned that the best thing you can do for yourself is forgive. I have watched close friends die both by suicide and by accident, I have seen people struggle with their own losses, and people go through things that I cannot even imagine having to deal with. Life is so precious but it is not promised. The only thing in this life you can be sure of is God's infinite love for his people. Forgive yourself, forgive those you love, and even forgive your enemies because everyone is fighting daily to stay alive... and one day none of this will matter. Love with all your heart, laugh along the way, help a person in need, cry your eyes out if that's what you need, then put it all at the foot of the cross and move on.

A huge part of me never wanted to blog again because it isn't easy to put your life out there for the world to see. I have had friends and even family read my blog and try to stir up trouble in my life over something that I said... but i've also had complete strangers (Courtney Nicole) become one of my closest friends because they read my blog and that makes it worth it. If one person comes here and reads my struggle and says "I am not alone" then my job here is done. I have said things on my blog that I never could have said in person, but got the chance to let people read instead and that makes it all worth it.

I hope my granny sees the woman I am today and is proud because she is the reason I am the wife, mom, and friend that I have become. She was and always will be the best mother that I could have ever asked for. I miss her so much and will never forget the good times.

Something To Think About Today....

RIP Clay Barnes

Clay Barnes has tragically passed away at the age of 29.  He was a very close friend to me back in high school.  Some of my favorite memories of Clay are the first time that he got his green Mustang we took a long road trip in it, he once stayed up all night and sat beside my bed because I wasn't feeling well and he didn't want to leave me alone, and he always had something corny to say about everything in life.  He is one of many who have had motorcycle accidents and I encourage all of my readers to know or learn the everyday safety of driving a motorcycle or watching for them on a road while driving your vehicle.

Clay, you will be missed dearly.  I really wish that I could have told you good-bye or how much I cared about you while you were still here.  I will see you again someday, buddy!

10 Blessings In 2012!

Since I haven't blogged in awhile, I wanted to share 10 positive things that have happened in 2012!

1.) My dad met and started dating a wonderful woman named Wendy.  The whole family has actually known her for years and the kids really seem to enjoy having her around plus it's great to see my dad so happy after all these years!

 2.)  Blaze got glasses! Now he is amazed at all the things he is able to see :)

3.) My beautiful God-daughter, Karissa Cheri was born!  I feel so blessed to be a Godmother to such wonderful children.. and DJ really enjoys spoiling kids that he can send home after!



4.)  Ace man graduated from Kindergarten!  He worked really hard to learns his letters, his address, his words, and some even some songs and a few lines for the graduation program!  He stood up and said proudly that he wanted to be a police officer when he grew up.  I am so very proud of him!

5.)  I turned 28!!  I cannot believe that I am 2 years from 30, but I feel better than ever!  I had a great low key birthday and got to celebrate with all my favorite people including my sweet granny. 

6.)  DJ and I celebrated NINE years of wedded bliss and a DECADE together as a couple.  I cannot believe we have already been married that long.  It seems like yesterday that I stood up there and said my vows.  I feel so blessed to have my best friend as my husband. 

7.)  I finally got to make my dream of moving back home come true!  We live just five doors down from my dad and less than a mile from my Papaw.  We can be at the lake in less than two minutes and the boys get go to KES just like I did when I was a little girl. 

8.)  DJ got a great job opportunity offered to him at Oak Ridge Nissan where he is the new Manager of the Internet Sales Department.  I could't be more proud of him and all the hard work and dedication he put into making this dream come true for himself. 

9.)  The boys had a blast going to not one but three churches for VBS.  Each time they learned about Christ and his love for us.  It has opened up their eyes to what Salvation is and now Blaze says he thinks he would like to be a Missionary!

10.)  Blaze celebrated turning 8 back in Jan. with a bright neon themed party at our old home in Pikeville.  Some of his closest friends and family were there and he got a guitar as his big present from mommy and daddy.  Then, Ace celebrated turning 6 with a Battleship themed party at Roane County Park in Kingston.  Mommy and Daddy couldn't be more proud of the young men they are becoming!

So, there you have it, there have been some really exciting events going on in our lives lately and we are so very thankful to all the friends and family that have made this transition possible.  I can't wait to see what wonderful things the rest of 2012 brings us so stay tuned... :)