Mom Thoughts

Today has been a very hard day for me for some reason. I would be lying if I said that I am doing better than I was 6 months ago when I lost my baby at 14 weeks gestation. Honestly, I have spent every single day since praying to God for another chance to have a baby or for answers as to why he chose me to be the mom of an angel. This morning, I woke up just missing my baby more than usual. I got a text from a dear friend, Brittany, to tell me she was in labor. We were both pregnant at the same time and she was the first person I called when I lost Allie. Although I am so happy for her, it did bring up the emotion of losing my own baby. So, I prayed for her and for me and turned on this little lady below -
I read one of Joyce Meyer's book and honestly. I also got on the internet and read about her ministry and there was nothing but bad things said about her, her ministry, and her finances. I had already formed an opinion of her BEFORE I ever watched her show. Anyway, about a month ago I came across her show on TV. It was a Sunday, I was running late for church, and felt guilty that I didn't go, so I asked DJ to watch the kids for thirty minutes and I did "church from home." More for me than for God, again brutal honesty, because I felt guilty for not going to church for the THIRD week in a row I might add. Shame on us!

I have been watching her show almost everyday for a month and today's show really hit me hard (like a baseball to the face hard)! She said that when shephards would buy lambs, they would break their legs and carry them so that by the time their legs healed, the lambs would be so attached to being close to the shephard that they never wandered off. Is that what God has done to me? Did he break my legs so I never strayed away again??

All along, I thought God just was not here, that I did something to lose my child, that I was being punished by God for something that I had done in the past and he took my child from me to teach me a lesson.

When I was younger, the teacher would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I never said police woman, teacher, or lawyer, I always said - mommy. It is the best job in the world without a doubt. When I got pregnant with Blaze, I was an unwed teenager who knew nothing about being a mom. My mother was a heroin addict and walked out of my life when I was very young. I had numerous stepmothers and my grandmother tried her best, but I never really had a mom. I was scared to death of having a baby, being someone's mother, not to mention someone's wife. I just took it one day at a time. When Blaze was born, it didn't come naturally. I would fake being asleep in the middle of the night so that DJ had to get up with Blaze because his crying made me sick to my stomach. I got anyone and everyone to watch him so I could "go out and be a teen." It wasn't until Blaze was about 6 months old that I realized I was a mother. That the dream I had wanted all my life had come true... and that was when I realized that I wanted to be a mother 24/7... A stay at home, non-working, 110% dedicated mom. We knew we wanted to have more children even after Ace came along.. and here we are 5 years later hoping that God will bless us with a baby again someday.

So, I hope this comes as an encouragement to all of you reading. I started this blog simply to help our family keep in touch and share photos of our family not knowing that along the way I would share my loss and some of my deepest thoughts with my readers. I have received numerous calls, texts, messages, and emails saying how this blog has helped so many people who needed someone to understand what they were going through. I'm just here writing what alot of women wish they could say. And I say to you, I understand and I'm here.

Christmas Break 2011

Christmas break has been wonderful. My hubby gave me an early present since the boys were out of school and he knew I would need some alone time here and there. I had been thinking about getting another Nook, but over and over I read incredible reviews about the Kindle products and I guess my hubby had too because he got me a new Kindle Fire! I have already found so many uses for it including not only reading all my favorite books, but also keeping the boys occupied at the grocery store with games, watching Netflix beside hubby while he watches football, and even getting on Facebook before bed! I recommend the Kindle Fire to all of you if you are thinking about buying a reader.

We also went and picked up Kobe to celebrate Christmas with our favorite buddy! I took them for lunch, then we went to Chuckles to blow off some energy, and we finished our night with a movie date. The boys cried when he left - and I have a feeling he will be back before break is over :)

The boys had a Christmas program at school and DJ and I both were lucky enough to get to attend. Ace played a mouse and Blaze sang Rudolph. It was the very play that they had been in together so it was a proud mama moment! I attended both of their school parties the day before break and I had alot of fun meeting some of their friends at their new school. This picture was taken in Ace's classroom. By the way, they have the best teachers they have ever had! I am so thankful that my children are being taught by such amazing women - we really lucked up!

The boys made a Santa letter at school and I was very suprised to read what Ace had to say. He asked Santa for a ring for his mom - and the waterworks came out big time! For about 3 years now, Ace is constantly telling me that he wishes he could marry me instead of daddy. He has "stolen" my ring a few times only to hide it behind his back, get on one knee, and beg me to "break up with daddy and marry him." To say he is a mama's boy is an understatement, but his love for me reminds me why I love my children so much. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a mother to these two precious boys, along with a few angels :)

What have you been doing on Christmas Break with your children? I would love to hear some stories!

And before I forget, let me go ahead and address something really quick. I posted less than a month ago a random family post and a "reader" commented on it about witchcraft and how some healer had helped her and she just wanted me to try him too. I have not responded to her nor do I know her, but my healer's name is Jesus! I do not believe in witchcraft nor would I ever try another religion to "heal me" of my miscarriages. I know that children are a gift from the Lord and his timing is always perfect! Just wanted to let you all know in case you read the comment and wondered where she came from or why I did not respond.