My GoodBye Letter.

To All My Readers,

I have been thinking and praying about this blog for a few weeks after realizing that although I am an open person and I don't mind sharing my story, there are some people in my story along the way who are hurt by it being public to anyone who would like to read it.  I have also posted things that I am not proud of as a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a friend.  I think that everyone goes through that dark time in their life when someone needs to come along and shake some sense into them and after really pondering where I want the future of my family to go, I have made the decision to stop writing this blog. 

My intention for this blog was simple, I needed a place to share my story and to be free to be me.  You really aren't able to tell the full story on Facebook or MySpace so I felt that having a blog would help people understand me better.  Moving to Crossville at the age of 18 and not knowing a soul made me nervous... and the town was not very welcoming.  I felt that people saw me with my blonde hair and my big boobs and they made an assumption of who I was - and you know maybe some of them were right, but some were also very wrong - and I wanted a place to redeem myself and say "this is who I am, take it or leave it."  If people were going to hate me, I wanted them to hate me instead of the person they thought I was and so my original blog was born.  Over the years, I have written about both happiness and pain and looking back, I have grown in so many ways, but I have also made some really bad decisions.  Some of those were out of jealousy, some out of pain, some out of not knowing how to grieve, and some were just purely mean on my part.  I have said some things that now make me cringe and made decisions that effected my whole family and not just myself. 

I know there is no way to go back and erase the past, but today I am pledging to move forward.  I choose to be happy again.  Part of that decision means that I need to be more private with my thoughts and decisions and really think things over before voicing my opinion or thought.  I am going to try to reach out and ask for forgiveness to alot of people and I hope that they also choose to forgive because this is truly in my heart of hearts how I really feel.  I do feel sorry for some of the things that I have done and said and I do from the bottom of my heart want to make it right.  It will not be easy, but it is my decision and regret and I must live with it no matter the outcome. 

I really appreciate all the nice comments, the words of encouragement, and the emails I have been sent since starting to really get deep into my past and who I truly am, not just what people see.  I realize that I am far from perfect and that I have made alot of mistakes, especially in the last five years of my life.  I have been suffering from severe social and general anxiety along with depression, and health issues as well.  That doesn't excuse my behavior, but it may help some people understand more of why I do and say the things that I do.  I have managed to make a few enemies and lose a few friends along the way and I don't put all the blame on them, I realize that I have done alot to hurt the people that had my back - and I am very, very sorry to all of you who are reading this and have been hurt by my actions. 

I am moving forward with my life in so many ways... I have absolutely loved having this blog and sharing my story with everyone, but for the sake of my life, my sanity, my family, and where I am at in my life today, I am deleting my blogs.  I have also cleared out most of the people from my FB page, not because of what they have done, but just for the sake of my family.  I want us to focus on us instead of everyone else - and I don't want anything and everything I say to start a battle with someone else.  I am done fighting, I have no fight left in me at this point.  I have lost alot of people that I truly cared about and nothing is worth that. 

In this span of about two years, I have really struggled with my depression.  After losing our precious baby in May 2011, a piece of me left with her and I will probably never get my whole self back.  I know that God had a plan that day, but I struggle to see the bigger picture.  Then, I lost my grandmother and experienced another tragic loss.  Our family has seen alot of ups and downs... and then when DJ lost his job it seemed the life I knew was gone - and maybe it is just that - gone.  I'm never going to be back to myself until I can heal and I cannot heal when their continues to be turmoil so that is why I'm here to say goodbye. 

I will continue to be on FB for the few close friends and family that I completely trust and at some point I may be back to the blogging world, but for now I just pray that healing and comfort comes and I am able to get one good night's sleep that I haven't had since 2011. 

Prayers and Hugs,
Ashley