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Our precious baby (which we have decided to name Allie Grace) passed away on Saturday May 21, 2011 at 6:45 pm. She will never be forgotten.
Any life is a life no matter how small and this was by far the hardest thing my family has even been through. My husband and my father were by my side and I felt the love and support as all of you prayed. For those of you who have been asking exactly what happened, I decided that I would share my story in hopes that if anyone must go through this in the future, they will not feel alone. I was sitting in a chair in the living room for the first time in three days since I have been on full bedrest. I started noticing light pains which in the back of my head I thought may be contractions, but I just brushed it off. My dad took my kids outside and my husband ran to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions so I just waited it out. As I heard DJ coming through the door, I started having MAJOR, very painful contractions that were hurting my whole body. I knew I was in labor. I told DJ that I was having contractions and needed to go to the hospital. He grabbed me by the arm to pull me up and I felt a huge gush of what I thought was blood. I walked to the bathroom and looked to find clear fluid instead of blood. I told DJ I felt like my water had broken. Then as I sat, I felt the sudden urge to push. I didn't want to push because I knew what would happen, but my body went through the process anyway. The baby simply "fell out". There is no simple way to put it. We thought it was a blood clot, but soon realized it was our baby. It is a horrific experience and I had no idea what to do. So, I made the decision to get the baby and place it on a towel until I could get my mind straight. I had another huge clot come out which I assumed was my afterbirth.. so I begged them not to take me to the hospital and after about an hour, they agreed to wait until Monday morning when I was scheduled to see the doctor. I took some pictures for the doctor to see and they have since haunted me in my sleep so much so that I am no longer sleeping - or eating - or driving - or really living for that matter.
I felt pain, grief, and agony that I had never experienced before. I was haunted by the sight of my dead child whom we prayed for YEARS to have. I have waited two years and been on multiple fertility meds simply to have my child's life end in the bathroom. There is nothing simple about that. I didn't "lose it". It is not as easy as calling it a "miscarriage" and trying again. I am sharing my story with the hopes that people will stop asking me when I lost it or when I plan to try again. It is not that simple. Fast forward to Monday, I felt the urge to push again and realized I had not lost the afterbirth and after twenty minutes of pushing (alone!), it came out. I went straight to the doctor's office and they told me I had a severe infection from the afterbirth implanting back in. I shouldn't have waited to go to the hospital, but they were very understanding. They told me that there is no reason why I should not be able to get pregnant again when I am ready. Then, they sent me home with alot of medications to help expel everything else, get rid of the infections, and help ease the pain. Since taking them, I have been oblivious to the world. I get mad when I see people smiling. I have a hard time getting on Facebook and looking at people talking about being pregnant. I've been invited to baby showers and talked about babies ... the hurt just never goes away.
Please be patient with me until I am ready. This might mean missing a party, baby shower, or event that is important to you. It is important to me too and I promise I am happy for you, I am simply not me right now. I will be back to normal, I promise. This will not defeat me. I just need time.
I just want to give a big thank you to my nothing short of amazing FRIENDS who have been the best family a girl could have through everything. The amount of love, prayers, concerns, and offering of help is nothing short of a blessing. I praise God that he gave me such amazing friends.
Since Friday 5-13 when I posted I was expecting until today 5-23 when I shared with many that I had given up on my faith and was ready to give up, I have received over 135 texts and calls lifting my spirits and giving me hope - and most of all, making me feel loved and supported. I hope that I am as good of a friend to you all as you are to me. I have had people do everything from give me a ride to the doctor, sit with me at the hospital, wash my hair, clean my house, take care of my kids, and everything in between. My promise the rest of this year is to try to be a better friend and do more for the people who truly deserve my time - and forget those who don't.
My husband and I have shared our fertility struggles for over two years with our friends and they have been right along with us. When I got sick and even when I was VERY sick, I never felt a lack of love. Through every fertility med, every miscarriage, every illness, every day in bed.... What you all have done for me is such a blessing more than you all will ever know. People can say whatever they want, but I truly believe that friends are the family you choose. I just wanted to give a big thank you to all of you and tell you that you are loved and your kinds words and gestures are appreciated.
I love you all and no matter what happens - remember, God is good. He came here and gave us a promise and I hold tight to that promise as I go on this journey. It is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Please continue to pray for me and my health, my sons and their understanding of everything, my husband and his strength to help me see this through, and my family who is going on this journey with me. Please pray for the doctors caring for me and for all the people helping me along the way.
I have five days of the medication to help expel everything and this is causing me alot of pain. Please pray that I can heal okay and get back to "normal" me. I have plans to start a miscarriage and infant loss support group here and take donations to help pay for some of the expenses that comes along with burying children with no insurance. We also plan to give away "rest in peace" picture frames for women to keep their sonogram pictures in when suffering a loss. I will post more about this when I am back in the swing of things.
Love to you all.
