Rest In Peace Sweet Baby.

Our precious baby (which we have decided to name Allie Grace) passed away on Saturday May 21, 2011 at 6:45 pm. She will never be forgotten.

Any life is a life no matter how small and this was by far the hardest thing my family has even been through. My husband and my father were by my side and I felt the love and support as all of you prayed. For those of you who have been asking exactly what happened, I decided that I would share my story in hopes that if anyone must go through this in the future, they will not feel alone. I was sitting in a chair in the living room for the first time in three days since I have been on full bedrest. I started noticing light pains which in the back of my head I thought may be contractions, but I just brushed it off. My dad took my kids outside and my husband ran to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions so I just waited it out. As I heard DJ coming through the door, I started having MAJOR, very painful contractions that were hurting my whole body. I knew I was in labor. I told DJ that I was having contractions and needed to go to the hospital. He grabbed me by the arm to pull me up and I felt a huge gush of what I thought was blood. I walked to the bathroom and looked to find clear fluid instead of blood. I told DJ I felt like my water had broken. Then as I sat, I felt the sudden urge to push. I didn't want to push because I knew what would happen, but my body went through the process anyway. The baby simply "fell out". There is no simple way to put it. We thought it was a blood clot, but soon realized it was our baby. It is a horrific experience and I had no idea what to do. So, I made the decision to get the baby and place it on a towel until I could get my mind straight. I had another huge clot come out which I assumed was my afterbirth.. so I begged them not to take me to the hospital and after about an hour, they agreed to wait until Monday morning when I was scheduled to see the doctor. I took some pictures for the doctor to see and they have since haunted me in my sleep so much so that I am no longer sleeping - or eating - or driving - or really living for that matter.

I felt pain, grief, and agony that I had never experienced before. I was haunted by the sight of my dead child whom we prayed for YEARS to have. I have waited two years and been on multiple fertility meds simply to have my child's life end in the bathroom. There is nothing simple about that. I didn't "lose it". It is not as easy as calling it a "miscarriage" and trying again. I am sharing my story with the hopes that people will stop asking me when I lost it or when I plan to try again. It is not that simple. Fast forward to Monday, I felt the urge to push again and realized I had not lost the afterbirth and after twenty minutes of pushing (alone!), it came out. I went straight to the doctor's office and they told me I had a severe infection from the afterbirth implanting back in. I shouldn't have waited to go to the hospital, but they were very understanding. They told me that there is no reason why I should not be able to get pregnant again when I am ready. Then, they sent me home with alot of medications to help expel everything else, get rid of the infections, and help ease the pain. Since taking them, I have been oblivious to the world. I get mad when I see people smiling. I have a hard time getting on Facebook and looking at people talking about being pregnant. I've been invited to baby showers and talked about babies ... the hurt just never goes away.

Please be patient with me until I am ready. This might mean missing a party, baby shower, or event that is important to you. It is important to me too and I promise I am happy for you, I am simply not me right now. I will be back to normal, I promise. This will not defeat me. I just need time.

I just want to give a big thank you to my nothing short of amazing FRIENDS who have been the best family a girl could have through everything. The amount of love, prayers, concerns, and offering of help is nothing short of a blessing. I praise God that he gave me such amazing friends.

Since Friday 5-13 when I posted I was expecting until today 5-23 when I shared with many that I had given up on my faith and was ready to give up, I have received over 135 texts and calls lifting my spirits and giving me hope - and most of all, making me feel loved and supported. I hope that I am as good of a friend to you all as you are to me. I have had people do everything from give me a ride to the doctor, sit with me at the hospital, wash my hair, clean my house, take care of my kids, and everything in between. My promise the rest of this year is to try to be a better friend and do more for the people who truly deserve my time - and forget those who don't.

My husband and I have shared our fertility struggles for over two years with our friends and they have been right along with us. When I got sick and even when I was VERY sick, I never felt a lack of love. Through every fertility med, every miscarriage, every illness, every day in bed.... What you all have done for me is such a blessing more than you all will ever know. People can say whatever they want, but I truly believe that friends are the family you choose. I just wanted to give a big thank you to all of you and tell you that you are loved and your kinds words and gestures are appreciated.

I love you all and no matter what happens - remember, God is good. He came here and gave us a promise and I hold tight to that promise as I go on this journey. It is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Please continue to pray for me and my health, my sons and their understanding of everything, my husband and his strength to help me see this through, and my family who is going on this journey with me. Please pray for the doctors caring for me and for all the people helping me along the way.

I have five days of the medication to help expel everything and this is causing me alot of pain. Please pray that I can heal okay and get back to "normal" me. I have plans to start a miscarriage and infant loss support group here and take donations to help pay for some of the expenses that comes along with burying children with no insurance. We also plan to give away "rest in peace" picture frames for women to keep their sonogram pictures in when suffering a loss. I will post more about this when I am back in the swing of things.

Love to you all.

Remember me?

I know you all were expecting to hear from me once a week... but things have been hectic!

My boys were expecting me to take them to all of their games and practices, but I got really sick last week and had to stay in bed...

I was expecting to enjoy the weather before it got too hot... and we even wanted to hit the golf course and our favorite little lunch spot!

We were expecting to do alot of things, but things got complicated......

because I got really sick, really tired, and really cranky - something my husband

was not expecting.

But most of all something we were not expecting.............

is that WE ARE EXPECTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After three years of fertility struggles - we are proud to announce that we are eight weeks pregnant with baby number three!!!!!!!!!!

Help Us Choose A New Bed!

After six years with the same bed set, I think it's time for a new one.

I just cannot decide which is best so I was hoping my readers could help!

The first one is my number one choice as of now. I am wanting something southern and romantic. I love the detail on this bed, but I was leaning towards something more "classy".
This was the classiest of the bed choices. I love the detail and also the color. The downside to this is that it is similiar to what we have now and the color shows alot of dirt. The third choice is another set with alot of detail. I love all the drawers and also the dresser that has the area for the TV boxes. I have seen where alot of you do not like a TV in your bedroom - we are not that couple.. I could not live without my TV in there!

The last choice is a very traditional piece. I love the bedposts and the small details. I doubt we will choose this simply because it looks like something my kids would attempt to use as a wrestling ring (anyone else see the resemblance?)

So, feel free to leave a comment with your choice. Also, could someone help me with how my pictures are sitting in the blog? Some of them will be close together while others are spread far apart and I cannot get them to all look the same - and it's killing the OCD in me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. I promise to post more on that and other "stuff" soon! :)

The Bad Girl Blog!

I feel like a bad girl for not blogging enough! Some of you chronicle everything you do!!

First things first, do you all remember the story I told about the tragic murder of Johnny Clarke? Well, I have become friends with his mother via Facebook and we held a memorial for him on Friday to honor his 22nd birthday. We let off blue balloons and lit candles. It is so sad to see someone so full of life gone too soon. Just remember, we never know what tomorrow brings!

I also wanted to share the picture that I photoshopped for my Facebook page. I noticed that some of my friends had cute little welcome signs so I had to have something cute too!

And what do you all think of this house? Well, I can't tell you RIGHT NOW why I'm posting a picture of a house, but I promise to reveal soon. We are still finalizing some of our "options" and we do not know for sure yet what the future holds.. but changes are coming :)

I am getting worse and worse about blogging! I know that someday I will really really miss these moments. I had a blog about four years ago and I chronicled every detail and when I went back to read it or show it to family, it just brought back a flood of memories.. So I am really trying to get better at it! I have made myself a note on my computer to blog everyday this week and next so we will see.. and you all will have to encourage me along the way!

Before I go, I wanted to mention that today is Good Friday. What does that mean to you? For me, it reminds me that I am loved so so much that God gave his only son to give me life. How incredible is that? Make sure you remember Jesus in what you do not only this weekend but everyday! God is good!! Have a good easter, ya'll!

Haircuts, Minivans, Lots of Purses, and some total house re-dos!

My little man is not so little anymore! :*( The Mother's Day Baskets we are making for the store!

My babies looking so fresh and clean :)

This is something I see ALL THE TIME!

Can I fit that all into one blog? Why yes! I think I can!! So here it goes... we will start with what seems to be consuming most of my time.... purses! I spend many days cooped up in the house either ordering purses, looking at purses, waiting for purses, distributing purses, or thinking about purses.. oh and shoes, accessories, sunglasses, wallets... blah! Our new website is http://www.ashleyjsattic.com/ just in case any of you would like to order something and add some work to the list above! Some of the proceeds will be going towards the building fund of our brand new church (post on that later, promise!).

The next thing on my agenda is my beautiful 2011 Chrysler Town and Country that I just had to have! I drove a Jeep Commander for 5 years and the kids had destroyed the seats not to mention at some point someone ran into me at walmart then ran so we had a nice little dent in the side. We decided it was time for a new jeep - or so I thought. I drove a Jeep Cherokee (limited, loaded, and oh so beautiful) for three days, BUT while I was helping my mom move from Knoxville to Crossville (okay, I will post on that too!), we realized the thing had no room! I mentioned to DJ that maybe I should look for a used van and somewhere along the way my youngest son, Ace, fell in love with this brand new (out of my price range) charcoal gray beauty and since it had a TV in it, he thought he HAD to have it. Well needless to say after NEVER driving a van, I realized I HAD to have one!!! It is so easy, so roomy, the doors are all automatic so I cannot begin to tell you how great it is for those of you with kids. My kids are SILENT when in the van thanks to the TV! Horrible way to keep them quiet, but effecient! HA!!

The next thing on my agenda for the start of spring is SPRING CLEANING and after much hesitation, I have decided it's wayyy past time for the kids to get new furniture. They just got a new set of bunkbeds six months ago, but other than that, their furniture is mismatched hand me downs. I will post some before and after pictures once the NEW room is done, but they are not staying the same room. Their room now is on the TV wall in the living room and they get really aggravated that they can hear the TV when trying to sleep! So, there is ALOT going on around here and I promise to try to post more pictures - and stories when I can!

Guess what next week is? WRESTLEMANIA! Yep, the biggest wrestling event in history

and my family is going!! DJ will be off all week too so I can promise you ALOT of pictures to come!! :) Thanks for reading - BE BLESSED!!!!