My GoodBye Letter.

To All My Readers,

I have been thinking and praying about this blog for a few weeks after realizing that although I am an open person and I don't mind sharing my story, there are some people in my story along the way who are hurt by it being public to anyone who would like to read it.  I have also posted things that I am not proud of as a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a friend.  I think that everyone goes through that dark time in their life when someone needs to come along and shake some sense into them and after really pondering where I want the future of my family to go, I have made the decision to stop writing this blog. 

My intention for this blog was simple, I needed a place to share my story and to be free to be me.  You really aren't able to tell the full story on Facebook or MySpace so I felt that having a blog would help people understand me better.  Moving to Crossville at the age of 18 and not knowing a soul made me nervous... and the town was not very welcoming.  I felt that people saw me with my blonde hair and my big boobs and they made an assumption of who I was - and you know maybe some of them were right, but some were also very wrong - and I wanted a place to redeem myself and say "this is who I am, take it or leave it."  If people were going to hate me, I wanted them to hate me instead of the person they thought I was and so my original blog was born.  Over the years, I have written about both happiness and pain and looking back, I have grown in so many ways, but I have also made some really bad decisions.  Some of those were out of jealousy, some out of pain, some out of not knowing how to grieve, and some were just purely mean on my part.  I have said some things that now make me cringe and made decisions that effected my whole family and not just myself. 

I know there is no way to go back and erase the past, but today I am pledging to move forward.  I choose to be happy again.  Part of that decision means that I need to be more private with my thoughts and decisions and really think things over before voicing my opinion or thought.  I am going to try to reach out and ask for forgiveness to alot of people and I hope that they also choose to forgive because this is truly in my heart of hearts how I really feel.  I do feel sorry for some of the things that I have done and said and I do from the bottom of my heart want to make it right.  It will not be easy, but it is my decision and regret and I must live with it no matter the outcome. 

I really appreciate all the nice comments, the words of encouragement, and the emails I have been sent since starting to really get deep into my past and who I truly am, not just what people see.  I realize that I am far from perfect and that I have made alot of mistakes, especially in the last five years of my life.  I have been suffering from severe social and general anxiety along with depression, and health issues as well.  That doesn't excuse my behavior, but it may help some people understand more of why I do and say the things that I do.  I have managed to make a few enemies and lose a few friends along the way and I don't put all the blame on them, I realize that I have done alot to hurt the people that had my back - and I am very, very sorry to all of you who are reading this and have been hurt by my actions. 

I am moving forward with my life in so many ways... I have absolutely loved having this blog and sharing my story with everyone, but for the sake of my life, my sanity, my family, and where I am at in my life today, I am deleting my blogs.  I have also cleared out most of the people from my FB page, not because of what they have done, but just for the sake of my family.  I want us to focus on us instead of everyone else - and I don't want anything and everything I say to start a battle with someone else.  I am done fighting, I have no fight left in me at this point.  I have lost alot of people that I truly cared about and nothing is worth that. 

In this span of about two years, I have really struggled with my depression.  After losing our precious baby in May 2011, a piece of me left with her and I will probably never get my whole self back.  I know that God had a plan that day, but I struggle to see the bigger picture.  Then, I lost my grandmother and experienced another tragic loss.  Our family has seen alot of ups and downs... and then when DJ lost his job it seemed the life I knew was gone - and maybe it is just that - gone.  I'm never going to be back to myself until I can heal and I cannot heal when their continues to be turmoil so that is why I'm here to say goodbye. 

I will continue to be on FB for the few close friends and family that I completely trust and at some point I may be back to the blogging world, but for now I just pray that healing and comfort comes and I am able to get one good night's sleep that I haven't had since 2011. 

Prayers and Hugs,
Ashley

Matt Turner, You Are An Angel.

The blogging world has been turned upside down and we have learned that one of our blogging friends, Julee Turner, has lost her husband at the young age of 32. 

 

You can read their full story on her blog at mattandjuleeturner.blogspot.com.  I have followed this sweet lady through her infertility struggles to help me get through my own battle - and along the way she has become more like a friend than just a writer of a blog.  I feel like that about so many of the blogging friends that I have made along the way. 

 

I sat here last night and poured my heart out onto this blog and was really feeling down and out.  I actually went to bed crying my little eyes out and unable to sleep.  This morning I felt a little better and planned to come blog a post titled "the aftermath" but before, I decided to check up on some of my favorite blogs...

 

As I read what Kelly had written over on Kelly's Korner, I realized that Julee has lost her beloved husband and the father of her 11 month old daughter, Preslee.  My heart ached for her and her precious daughter and all the many, many people that this man had touched with his life.  

 

If you feel in your heart that you would like to do something for this special family, please visit www.kellyskornerblog.com for a list of silent auctions and bank accounts set up for his wife and daughter.  Please continue to pray for this family as they deal with his horrific tragedy.  

Matt, you are an angel looking down on your wife and child.  May you rest in peace. 

Little Readers

Now that Ace is in first grade, his class walks once a week to a little retirement community called Jamestowne and they get to read to twenty of the cutest little elderly people...plus they get alot of hugs and kisses too!  I didn't want to overwhelm the kids by taking lots of pictures but I just had to get one of Ace on his very first time there.  He did a wonderful job reading and I am so lucky that I get to go with him every single week.  

 And this is his friend Mackenzie that also got the chance to read to me (you can see some of the lovely ladies in the background).  She is one of the best readers in the class, but she is so shy, I just love having time with some girls since I'm surrounded by nothing but boys at home :)

In a few weeks, Jamestowne is surprising the kids with a Halloween party and I hope to take some pictures then because it should be alot of fun.  I am so excited to get to see my children grow and learn and become young gentlemen.  I am my children's number one fan!

Leave the mending to the Mender, love.

It's a simple title yet so big you cannot really put into words.  What does that word even mean? and how did I get where I am today? I want to start by saying that God works in such a big way even when we do not think he is working.  As I sat at my computer tonight (on Facebook just doodling to be honest), I started getting really tired (two kids will do that to you) and decided I would just call my husband who is still at work and tell him I was going to go to bed early and watch a movie.  The kids are already in bed so it's quiet and I've had a bit of a hectic day so the last thing I wanted to do was come here and blog.

So, here I am of course. (ha!)

In a split second decision after talking to my husband and realizing he was already on his way home and I should stay up and wait for him, I decided to go read a blog I read often called "Bring The Rain."  It is written by Christian Author Angie Smith who started this blog after a diagnosis during pregnancy that left her wondering "why?". It is also in memory of her precious daughter Audrey that passed away soon after birth and she shares some of the most intimate moments of her life as not only a mom, wife, and author, but also as a woman of God who sometimes struggles with the everyday things that get us down.  She is such an inspiration to so many people, but today her words lifted me out of my seat and honestly, set a fire to my soul.  I had that "exactly what I needed to read" moment that we all at some point in our lives seem to have when someone is sharing a story that you swear they wrote for you. 

She wrote Leave the mending to the Mender, love.

Those of you who read my blog know that I am going through a huge situation right now with my family and that in the past, I have endured two tragic miscarriages that have left me feeling not good enough and broken.  In a way, that seems to be the theme for my life in general.  I didn't have the best relationship with my parents at times and as a teen I got into alot of things that left me feeling shameful and really lost.  I got pregnant as a teenager and felt the right thing to do was get married so I jumped into that as well and in some ways, failed miserably.  I struggled with being a young mom and let the people in my life drag me down and tell me I wasn't good enough.  Then, at 21, I ended up pregnant again.  My family wasn't of much help and my husband was working long hours to put food on the table.  I felt like there just had to be a better life out there for me.

In the meantime, I became bitter, angry, resentful, hurt, and... lost. 

These last few weeks, I have thought alot about the babies that I never got the chance to meet.  Our first we found out for sure was a girl that we chose to name Allie and I often wonder what she would be doing today in her little toddler life.  Would she have blonde hair like her oldest brother or be spunky like little man?  Would she have her daddy wrapped around her finger or be a total mommy's girl that loved pink and shopping.  But then, other thoughts come to mind...

What if she was sick and God knew that I couldn't handle that at the time in my life? After all, he knows every bit of our future as much as our past and he does things for the good of us even though we don't deserve it. I stopped wanting to question why she wasn't here and started wanting to praise him for the two children that I did have here on Earth.  Praising him for the other angels we lost that made us realize just how precious life is.  I praise him for the wonderful life he has given me.  The fact that I chose to get married at 19 because I was ashamed I was pregnant yet he gave me a man I call my best friend and after 10 years of marriage, here we are, happier than ever.  Maybe these angels were meant to touch the lives of others as well.  After all, this blog wouldn't even be here today had I not lost my precious little Allie Grace.  I would not have my dear friend, Courtney, who I met because someone had sent her the link to my blog when she lost her sister. 

I now have plans to start a group for women who have suffered the loss of a child and we hope to grow into something as big as what God wants us to be.  I have used my pain and tragedy to impact the lives of others and in return, my heart has mended.  Even writing this blog post tonight has been an eye opener for me.  When I saw on her blog that she was asking women to write about their own mending experiences, I didn't realize how healing it would be.  I just wanted to come here and have the chance to write a post and win a really cool prize (Angie is giving away a spa package to one lucky winner and a friend so I thought why not?) but now as I finish up this blog I realize that I've already won. 

You can find Angie's Blog Bring The Rain at http://angiesmithonline.com/.

The reason for this blog contest is to celebrate the release of her all new book. It is wonderfully titled Mended and you can purchase by clicking on either link below: (I am not tech savvy and haven't figured out how to simplify these so excuse the long link.)

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/mended-angie-smith/1111318078?ean=9781433676604

http://www.amazon.com/Mended-Pieces-Life-Made-Whole/dp/1433676605/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347327784&sr=8-1&keywords=mended+angie+smith

If you decide to purchase the book, please let me know as I would love to hear how amazing it is!  I will probably go this week to purchase my own copy and share at women's group next week!  I would also love to hear stories of how God has mended your life so feel free to leave me a comment or even a long story in my email at ashleywilsonjackson@gmail.com.  I would feel so blessed to win this because I just don't take enough time to do things with friends and I know exactly who I would take with me. 

And, if you or someone you know is struggling with something in your life, remember not only what she wrote but his promise...

Leave the mending to the Mender, love.

1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 - For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

This Weekend Was A Blast!

 

We had a really good weekend!

 

A good weekend was much needed after the week that we had.  We needed some mom and son time and a chance to just relax and have some fun.

 

We went to play at a nearby park and the boys made some friends.

 The boys were so sweaty by the time we left..even though it was like 72 degrees.

 We celebrated DJ's 29th birthday by making him some homemade gifts.

We also bought him Madden 13 for PS3 which he loved and still plays everynight.

(Boys and their toys, right?)

 My little sweetie Blaze picked up this notebook for me for church.

He has such a kind and giving heart.

 We had a full day Saturday of Shopping and Visiting with friends. 

We stopped by Chick Fil A first for some lunch and to play a little...

 Blaze's friend Joslyn (her dad writes the blog Diggin In With Tony for Potters House Church) invited him and his little brother to a party at a gymnastics place in Knoxville.

I will admit that the boys almost didn't go because they thought it would be alot of girls and maybe a little tumbling or something corny (his words not mine)

BUT THEY HAD A BLAST!!!

 The place was FULL of kids and stuff for them to bounce and jump on.

Blaze actually decided he wants to have his party there too after seeing all the excitement.

It came at a good time because we have been talking about moving to that area (about thirty minutes from where we live now) and this place was just five minutes down the road.

 We have started going to a church (mainly online for now) that is about ten miles from DJ's work so while we were in the area, we decided to let the boys try the FP Kids program out and check out a Saturday night sermon - and it was amazing!  We have been trying so hard to find a church to fit the needs of our growing faith and we have felt at times that we would just never fit in anywhere.

Sometimes, you just walk into a church and feel that they are all friends and have grown up together and there is just no room for one more person, but as you can see by the photo below, there is plenty of room there to grow in alot of ways .. not just physically as you can see by the large building but also in your family and in your faith.  If God gives us another child we would know that they would be well taken care of during our services and the kids program is also top notch. 

I plan to do a full blog about the church in the near future for those that are in the area and would like to know more about why we chose this church and what we see going on in the future.

 

I also wanted to say that I took a break from the thirty day challenge after we finished on Sunday.  I will be picking it back up tommorrow with Day Four and the next blog post above will be about the next five or so days in case you are keeping along in your own journey -

and if you are, i'd like to hear from you!

 

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!!

Oh, and GO TITANS!!!!!