I'm perfect.

Don't let the post title fool you, I don't think I am perfect. I just wanted to get the point across that things sometimes seem as they aren't. I want to share with my blog friends because I love you and you all have poured out love and respect to me for the posts I have written so far. I have gotten numerous calls, messages, and e-mails from women, mothers, and even fathers who have thanked me for being so raw and honest about what happened to my family when we lost our child. In today's society, miscarriage is seen as some thing where first you were pregnant and then you weren't. There was no labor, no birth, no child, it was just a "miscarriage". The word just makes me sick. To me, the only word is death. I lost a child that was conceived out of love and given to me by God.

Six months ago, I was approached by a friend who told me that was a small town website that anyone could post anything on and someone had gotten on there and called me horrible names, used my full name, and made comments I would not speak even about my worst enemy. They made comments about me being a gold digger, acting like a brat, appearing "perfect". It hurt not only me but also my family and my close friends. It is so easy to write words, but the pain of those words is permanent. I know you are probably wondering what one story has to do with the other - well it is to drive home the point that sometimes things are nothing as they seem.

I have been very happily married to my husband for 8 years and he is my best friend, BUT there was a time in my relationship where I moved out, filed divorce papers, spent hours dividing up my assets, and couldn't stand to even be in the same room with my husband.

We are very lucky that my husband has a great job and we have the material things we always dreamed of, BUT we got married at the tender age of 19 and always struggled just to put food on the table. I recall a day when it was snowing outside, Blaze was an infant, and we had no heat because we could not pay the bill. We had to go next door and beg our neighbor to let him come sleep at their house just so he wouldn't get sick.

I have two wonderful little boys that are the center of my world, BUT I have been struggling with infertility, unexplained uterine bleeding, endometriosis, endometrial hyperplasia, bowel complications, iron deficiency anemia, and continous infections. I have four precious babies, the last at 14 weeks gestation. My heart aches at every single baby shower, every birthday party, every pregnancy announcement. Sometimes I choose to avoid my friends and family altogether because of the jealousy and bitterness.

I have people who help around the house (maid, gardener, nanny..etc.), BUT the people working for me were hired when I was too sick to do my jobs on my own. When you are a mom and you cannot even care for your children, your home, or your husband, you lose your self worth. I remember laying the bed staring around me realizing my house was a mess, my kids had nobody taking care of them, and the laundry was piled all around me. It's a bitter pill to swallow that you realize you cannot care for yourself let alone anyone else.

The point is - my life is not perfect... Yes, I have all the things I could ever dream of, but I am still human. I won't even begin to pour out the hurt, grief, and anger I still carry from my childhood and the lasting effect those things had on my life. I want you all to know that I am normal just like you and I share my story, my pictures, my life to help and encourage others. I hope you all enjoy my blog as much as I do writing.

I learned today that a woman read my blog and decided not to have an abortion. She contacted me via e-mail and told me that my story hurt her heart in ways that she didn't think it could. She may still choose adoption and if she does, I will update her story but please pray for her on this journey and praise God that a child's life was saved even if it meant I had to share my story of loss.

My next posts will be some of my favorite So You Think You Can Dance routines from the last few years I have been watching it.... and I encourage you all to leave me comments so I know somebody is actually listening.. that makes it all so worth it. Also, please become a follower using the "follow me" button. Once my blog designer is finished with the design, this blog will be private so if you are reading and we do not know it, you will no longer be able to read the blog.