As promised...

There are still more changes coming soon... in the past two weeks, we have dealt with a medical emergency, our house being pulled off the market, then two houses we put in bids for being outbid by someone else... so hectic doesn't even describe it! I will pick back up with the 90 day challenge and the blog design once I have a moment of piece around here! I promise to blog soon!!

Anyone watching So You Think You Can Dance this season? I plan to make a whole post for this soon!

Day Four of 90 Day Challenge!

I added a picture of me and Ace getting treat bags ready for Halloween last year because today's challenge is to organize something that I would normally just ignore. Normally, when packing to move, I will pack all of my favorite things first and I will overlook the drawers and cabinets until the last minute. Today, I have packed up all kinds of junk that I don't want to have to deal with in a few weeks when we have to pack up everything and move out of our "dream home". Yes, we are giving up the house we always dreamed of - and it's because our dream home became a complete nightmare! That's all whole other post that I completely want to write when I have a little more time. Right now I have two little boys in a bathtub and if I leave them there too long my floor will be covered in water and they will be trying to drown each other. Be back tonight to post some more!

7 Years Of Wedded Bliss!

I cannot begin to put into words what my husband means to me, but if I could they are these: I met my husband in a "weird" situation. I had never been in a bar and my dad talked me into going to one with my friend Maranda because it was Halloween and I was depressed over a recent, very ugly breakup with my high school sweetheart. So, I threw some clothes on and headed out of town... and the rest is history. When I first walked through the door, there stood a boy with bright blue eyes and long eyelashes. I could NOT get him out of my head. I tried to flirt, even tried to play footsie, but he was there with another girl so I left it alone. I got into my car and told my friend that "I couldn't believe he didn't even notice me." Two weeks later I went back to the same place. I have never told him this, but I went there in hopes that I would see him again. When I first walked in, I saw him standing with some friends near the DJ booth so I talked my friend into walking over there to request a song. He grabbed me by the arm and the rest I don't even remember. It was like we had known each other all along.
Everything that we did from then on, we did very quickly. We moved in together and got pregnant way too quick. I was 19 years old and felt as if my dreams were being washed away with the "foreverness" of a child and a husband, but I knew that my family would be upset if I was an unwed mother. We set a date for July 5, 2003 after just 3 months of dating. I had never even met my mother or sister in law. We told everyone we were having a baby and we got mixed reviews, but we kept on pushing on. It was a real struggle not only to adjust to living on our own for the first time, but also planning a wedding, taking on college, being broke as broke can get, and the biggest thing - being pregnant. We got through it though, day by day and step by step. It wasn't always pretty, but it was worth it. July 5, 2003 is a day that I will never ever forget. It was the day that I realized I was someone's wife and someone's mom. We knew we were having a boy and everything just came together. I spent alot of time on my knees just praying that we would make it. Things weren't the best, but the hard times made us stronger.

After we got married, we had a little boy named Blaze that stole both of our hearts. When you see your husband hold your baby for the first time, you just fall in love all over again. For months, I didn't get up ONE time in the middle of the night because DJ enjoyed getting up and spending time with him. Although we didn't have money and actually moved from house to house, we had each other - and it was beautiful. In 2005, when Blaze was just a year old, we knew we wanted another baby. People thought we were crazy! We both just became the ripe old age of 21 (ha!) and most of our friends weren't even marriage, but we did it again. Here came our second little boy, Ace, and things got hectic. We couldn't deal with the stress of two kids, no money, and no time together. Our hardest times were the first two years that we had two kids. We had one car that DJ had to drive back and forth to work so I was stuck at home - all the time. It really tested my mental stability and my love for my family. It also tested my faith because I remember leaning alot on that when I didn't have anything else. Then, slowly but surely, things started happening for DJ at work and his hard effort started paying off. Things seemed to get better, but other things were getting worse. We were so focused on our kids that neglected each other and at times, I felt us slipping away. I just hung on with everything I had - and I never thought I would be sitting here today wishing my husband a happy seven years of marriage!

God slowly began to show me what a great mother and wife I could truly be. We decided that forever meant forever and that we were going to do anything and everything to keep this family from falling apart. We also decided that two kids just wasn't enough ... so we started trying for a third little blessing - and we quickly got one. I was due on November 23, 2010 with my last baby. Soon after, I started bleeding and could not stop. I knew something was wrong and I found out the baby did not survive. My heart ached for that little baby who I just knew was a girl. We planned to name her Journee Elizabeth Cherry or Vadon just in case she was a boy :)

I continued to bleed for 60 days until the doctors (and my miracle healer, Jesus Christ) put a stop to it. After tests, we found out that I have had previous miscarriages and fibroids before and had some extreme scarring. We may not ever be able to have another child again. So, I was devastated .. but I learned something that I will never forget - my husband is my biggest support. I watched him work twelve hour days and come home to take care of me and the kids without complaining. I watched him cry while I cried because I thought I was going to die. I heard him talk about me to other people as if I was the greatest person that walked this planet. With the loss of this baby, I learned just how much my husband truly loved me. Something grew in my heart that I cannot even expressed. I may have loved this man with all my heart before, but somewhere in my soul I found a love for him even deeper. He became the best thing that continued to happen to me every minute of everyday.

Today, I am more in love with him than ever before. No matter what trials we face, I know I don't have to face them alone. I feel a peace in my heart when his hand is in mine and he takes all the pain away with just a kiss or a hug. I always knew that fairy tales existed, but I didn't think my marriage would be one of them. Looking back at getting married at 19, I never realized what hard work and dedication it would take to actually be married. I thought it was just a new last name and a piece of paper, but I was wrong. Marriage is about more than just a wedding and a honeymoon. It is a bond that no man can destroy and that only our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, can give. When I think about this man he gave me to be mine, I could not ever thank him enough.

Thank you, Douglas Keith Jackson, for giving me the best seven years of my life. I will spend the rest of my life catering to you and showing you what a great wife and mother that I can be. Each day I wake up thanking God that he gave me to you. I try to be submissive and your "helper" just as the image in the bible. I admire your hard work and dedication both at work and at home. I can never thank you enough for allowing me to be a stay at home mom to our children. You will never know how much it means to me when you just put your arms around me when i'm upset. If you have ever wondered, you are everything and so much more that I could ever want in a husband. You have exceeded my expectations as to how I wanted my fairy tale to come true. You are my prince charming, my very best friend, and the best father that I have ever seen with their kids. You make me smile just by being here. You still give me butterflies when you walk through the door or say I love you from the other side of the phone. As long as I live, I will spend my life making you as happy as you have made me by anyway I possibly can. Thank you for loving me through everything, especially the pain and for making it okay to let down my walls. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me how to be me. You are the love of my life and the reason that I am who I am today. I hope to spend another 90 anniversaries with you and to rock our grandbabies to sleep on the back porch someday. I can't wait to see what the future holds - and I just have that feeling like God is going to bless us with another baby.. but honey, if he doesn't, we still have each other and for that, I am the luckiest woman on earth. Love, your wife

...And Happy Anniversary to my grandparents who are celebrating their 56th wedding anniversary tommorrow!!

Day Three....progress.

Haha! My kids are following right along in my footsteps. They love to "read" what I write about them. If they could have their own laptop, they would jump on that chance. Anyway, yesterday I wrote that I was going to write a letter to myself. Well, it ended up being a pep talk I guess. It went a little something like this...

Ashley, quit sitting on your butt and being frustrated about everything and everyone around you. You have been so blessed with a good man and two great kids, but you can't see it because you are blinded by the stress and heartache. Go outside, have a little fun, give yourself a break!

Wow, all that from my inner self I guess. It was totally weird that I was talking to myself, but looking at my face I could see how the stress was getting to me. As if yesterday's challenge wasn't hard enough, i've also been dealing with some things about DJ's family. I don't want to get into details but we struggle to find a balance. I wonder if other married couples have this problem. My family is VERY big on holidays. We have yearly rituals that I am used to and with my granny being sick, I don't want to miss a thing...however, I have been realizing by talking to Sherry (DJ's aunt/adoptive mother) that we neglect his family alot of times to do things with my family instead. I didn't even realize that they noticed! I thought that they just didn't really care so when she came to me and told me that it hurt her feelings, it was almost a sigh of relief. It was as if DJ and I were actually needed, wanted, desired. That sounds so corny but it's true. My family EXPECTS us to be there, but his family really WANTS us there.

So, how do we now find balance? I have always wanted to be a part of a big family and I love all of DJ's family dearly. It's just that they don't really seem interested in being here with the boys and their events. I wish that we could all just be one big happy family, but you know what? One day at a time. I am seeing small progress in my 90 days of change, but I am learning to be happy and just go with it.

So, here comes day three.... the day that I do something really fun and out of the ordinary with my kids. Everyday they ask me to play and I always say I'm busy, so today I have decided that whatever they ask me to do, I'm going to say YES!! There may be lots of pictures in the next post because they have big imaginations!!

Hey, I just thought of something, maybe they will ask me to go shopping!! A girl can dream right?!?

90 DC: Day 2

I wish I could say that today was better than yesterday, but I don't like to lie. I have spent my day on an emotional roller coaster. I yelled at my kids and at my husband and then yelled at myself (yes, I talk to myself!). When do the kids go back to school again?

So, for today's 90 days of change I haven't picked out anything to do. Here it is at 8pm and I haven't "changed" anything. So, as I'm writing I hope something is coming to me ... nothing yet.

I have been dealing with so much emotionally. I think the past is coming back to haunt me. I was filled with anger, stress, and insecurity - and those are not pretty things to have as a housewife and stay at home mom. I feel like everything I thought I had changed about myself is starting to resurface. I thought I was learning to balance life at home with two children while my husband is ALWAYS at work, but everyday I learn something new about myself.

Ah-ha! I've got it. I'm going to write a letter to myself. Today, for my 90 day challenge, I am going to write a letter to myself about what I need to change from now on. After all, 90 days of change will never happen if I don't acknowledge the problem in the first place.. (Dr. Phil would be so proud!)

So, there it is. I may even share my letter with my readers later so stay tuned....