Mom Thoughts

Today has been a very hard day for me for some reason. I would be lying if I said that I am doing better than I was 6 months ago when I lost my baby at 14 weeks gestation. Honestly, I have spent every single day since praying to God for another chance to have a baby or for answers as to why he chose me to be the mom of an angel. This morning, I woke up just missing my baby more than usual. I got a text from a dear friend, Brittany, to tell me she was in labor. We were both pregnant at the same time and she was the first person I called when I lost Allie. Although I am so happy for her, it did bring up the emotion of losing my own baby. So, I prayed for her and for me and turned on this little lady below -
I read one of Joyce Meyer's book and honestly. I also got on the internet and read about her ministry and there was nothing but bad things said about her, her ministry, and her finances. I had already formed an opinion of her BEFORE I ever watched her show. Anyway, about a month ago I came across her show on TV. It was a Sunday, I was running late for church, and felt guilty that I didn't go, so I asked DJ to watch the kids for thirty minutes and I did "church from home." More for me than for God, again brutal honesty, because I felt guilty for not going to church for the THIRD week in a row I might add. Shame on us!

I have been watching her show almost everyday for a month and today's show really hit me hard (like a baseball to the face hard)! She said that when shephards would buy lambs, they would break their legs and carry them so that by the time their legs healed, the lambs would be so attached to being close to the shephard that they never wandered off. Is that what God has done to me? Did he break my legs so I never strayed away again??

All along, I thought God just was not here, that I did something to lose my child, that I was being punished by God for something that I had done in the past and he took my child from me to teach me a lesson.

When I was younger, the teacher would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I never said police woman, teacher, or lawyer, I always said - mommy. It is the best job in the world without a doubt. When I got pregnant with Blaze, I was an unwed teenager who knew nothing about being a mom. My mother was a heroin addict and walked out of my life when I was very young. I had numerous stepmothers and my grandmother tried her best, but I never really had a mom. I was scared to death of having a baby, being someone's mother, not to mention someone's wife. I just took it one day at a time. When Blaze was born, it didn't come naturally. I would fake being asleep in the middle of the night so that DJ had to get up with Blaze because his crying made me sick to my stomach. I got anyone and everyone to watch him so I could "go out and be a teen." It wasn't until Blaze was about 6 months old that I realized I was a mother. That the dream I had wanted all my life had come true... and that was when I realized that I wanted to be a mother 24/7... A stay at home, non-working, 110% dedicated mom. We knew we wanted to have more children even after Ace came along.. and here we are 5 years later hoping that God will bless us with a baby again someday.

So, I hope this comes as an encouragement to all of you reading. I started this blog simply to help our family keep in touch and share photos of our family not knowing that along the way I would share my loss and some of my deepest thoughts with my readers. I have received numerous calls, texts, messages, and emails saying how this blog has helped so many people who needed someone to understand what they were going through. I'm just here writing what alot of women wish they could say. And I say to you, I understand and I'm here.

Christmas Break 2011

Christmas break has been wonderful. My hubby gave me an early present since the boys were out of school and he knew I would need some alone time here and there. I had been thinking about getting another Nook, but over and over I read incredible reviews about the Kindle products and I guess my hubby had too because he got me a new Kindle Fire! I have already found so many uses for it including not only reading all my favorite books, but also keeping the boys occupied at the grocery store with games, watching Netflix beside hubby while he watches football, and even getting on Facebook before bed! I recommend the Kindle Fire to all of you if you are thinking about buying a reader.

We also went and picked up Kobe to celebrate Christmas with our favorite buddy! I took them for lunch, then we went to Chuckles to blow off some energy, and we finished our night with a movie date. The boys cried when he left - and I have a feeling he will be back before break is over :)

The boys had a Christmas program at school and DJ and I both were lucky enough to get to attend. Ace played a mouse and Blaze sang Rudolph. It was the very play that they had been in together so it was a proud mama moment! I attended both of their school parties the day before break and I had alot of fun meeting some of their friends at their new school. This picture was taken in Ace's classroom. By the way, they have the best teachers they have ever had! I am so thankful that my children are being taught by such amazing women - we really lucked up!

The boys made a Santa letter at school and I was very suprised to read what Ace had to say. He asked Santa for a ring for his mom - and the waterworks came out big time! For about 3 years now, Ace is constantly telling me that he wishes he could marry me instead of daddy. He has "stolen" my ring a few times only to hide it behind his back, get on one knee, and beg me to "break up with daddy and marry him." To say he is a mama's boy is an understatement, but his love for me reminds me why I love my children so much. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a mother to these two precious boys, along with a few angels :)

What have you been doing on Christmas Break with your children? I would love to hear some stories!

And before I forget, let me go ahead and address something really quick. I posted less than a month ago a random family post and a "reader" commented on it about witchcraft and how some healer had helped her and she just wanted me to try him too. I have not responded to her nor do I know her, but my healer's name is Jesus! I do not believe in witchcraft nor would I ever try another religion to "heal me" of my miscarriages. I know that children are a gift from the Lord and his timing is always perfect! Just wanted to let you all know in case you read the comment and wondered where she came from or why I did not respond.

Random Facts About Me

1. I find my bed to be my "comfort zone." Whenever I am having a super bad day, I will eat, talk, and do everything else while in bed. It has been like this since I was a very little girl and when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I spent alot of days doing as much as I could from bed. No matter where I go, I miss my bed!
2. People tell me I look snotty or stuck up when they first meet me. I promise that it isnt on purpose, I guess it's just the way my face looks - ha! Once people get to know me, they breakdown and tell me that they thought I was a snob at first! I have tried to smile more and make people feel as comfortable as possible, but I still hear it everytime I meet someone new. I think it is more on my end because I am a people pleaser. I want my impression to be the right one so I am timid and shy to talk first and people take that as me not wanting to talk to them at all, which isn't true!

3. I love to accessorize. My favorite things to wear are necklaces, earrings, purses, and shoes. I will take an ordinary outfit and completely change the look by my different accessories. This is a good way to save money and still be fashion savvy as well.

4. I have a knack for cleaning and organizing. Anytime that I am in a bad mood, I will slip off and clean or re-organize a room. My friends have hired me to clean their houses before just out of fun or de-stress. I feel stressed out when I walk into a room that isn't clean, but I also really respect working moms and how they do their job AND keep up with the house. I have had this OCD type issue since I was younger. I lived with my father so our house was rarely cleaned by a woman so it was a bit on the messy side, but not my room. I would make sure my bed was made and everything had a place. I have started my children on that same path by requiring their room is clean and bed is made before they play.

5. I dreamed of being a bride since I was 5 years old! I had it all planned out down to the tee, but I never thought it would really happen to me. I came from a broken home and my parents went on to be married multiple times so I was already uneasy that love is forever. Then, after dating a few choice boys in high school that also did not hold the same values of love as me, I lost all hope to love and be loved forever. Thank God for DJ and for this amazing marriage I have been blessed with for the last 8 years. It hasn't always been great and we have had our fair share of ups and downs, but he did make my fairy tale come true and I am very thankful that I was blessed with a husband to share my life with.

So, tell me something random about you! I will be posting more randoms in a bit... I'm trying to get everything caught up and move on to the new and improved website, Ashley's Avenue - stay tuned :)

Halloween Fun!

I was sick on Halloween which was pure torture...I had the flu AND a urinary tract infection that spread to my bloodstream. Talk about sick! My boys still had a blast though and although I tried to talk them into dressing alike as always, they picked Bumblebee and Army Man!
The school also held a fall festival so we went there with some friends and Ace went to his first "haunted house."

The boys always look so happy in their pictures. That is something I will never be able to forget. They have made my life worth living and the little moments I will treasure forever.

Happy Halloween - a little late :)

Love, The Jacksons

The Task Of Moving

The View makes it all worth it, right?
We brought this trailer - three times!

Of course the boys were a big help...picking flowers from my garden.

This is what is left...yes, poor pitiful me!

House Before Photos

Boys Bedroom
Master Bedroom

Guest Bathroom

Kitchen Area

So, I know these are pretty much just blank rooms. I promise there is more to come... I have been working so hard. In between moving and working, I still haven't managed to do much...but it will come together eventually.

A Trip To The Zoo

We took a trip to the zoo back in September when DJ was on vacation, but I never posted the pictures. The boys had an absolute blast. We also went to the fair, but for some reason I didn't take a single picture! Too much fun I suppose :)

My three little monkeys had a great time visiting one big monkey! :)
The boys looked so cute in their Titans gear!

New And Improved!

So, I realize that most of you have forgotten about me completely due to lack of posting so let me just go ahead and tell you - I'M SORRY!

We moved jobs, switched schools, sold a house, bought a house, and had a few minor complications along the way, but we are finally settled a bit! I thought about my blog daily mainly because this is the perfect escape for me... So, let me say this - I am back, but not the same me. I am a better me. I learned things about myself over the last two months that I didn't even know I could. I learned that a few things in my life had a hold of my mind and it was making me less of a mom, wife, and friend. I also realized that I am a "people pleaser." I couldn't be my complete self - even on the blog - because I didn't like who I truly was.

There wasn't something that happened or something that was said or some magical moment...it just happened and I am happy with who I am today. I'm content with my life, I'm thankful for what God has given me, and I'm at a good place.

So, here I am - and this is my new blog starting today. "Life In The Fab Lane" was started in hopes that I could share a little piece of my life, but my new blog, "Ashley's Avenue", is all about me - the good parts, the bad parts, and everything in between. You will find a more opinionated Ashley, but I am still me. I will still post about my adorable boys and my amazing husband, but I will also whine about the little things that get on my last nerve because I am not perfect. I am not here to sugarcoat my life or make myself look good - I am here to share my journey with all of my readers.

So, if you want to walk with me along Ashley's Avenue then come right along. This may not be easy street, but the view is quite nice! :)

Had To Put A Plug In For The Hubs :)

I like to call this a shameless plug since this is MY blog :) I have been working hard on the Facebook page and all new website for my husband's new dealership. Life has been pretty hectic lately, but nothing worth writing so I decided to just come here and ask all of you to share this with your friends and pray for us as we embark on this journey! I promise to start blogging again when life gets a little more interesting :) Hope all my readers are having a wonderful week!

Wanna Hear How Big God Is?

Life Is Ever Changing

Life can change at anytime with or without your knowledge or readiness...

you can make plans, but in the end, life just happens.

We are going to miss this house so much. We have made so many memories here in the year that we were blessed to be here, but it's time to move on to other opportunities...

I posted about two weeks ago that we were planning to move to my hometown of Kingston, Tennessee. Those of you in the car business understand that you can be relocated at anytime without notice, but we had previously been told that we would be at a dealership in Knoxville, Tennessee - however those plans have now changed.
We also went to the doctor last week expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. My new doctor is in Knoxville and after one visit, I will have to find a new doctor in another area. Again, life just happens. The doctor ran extensive testing and believes that I am having complications due to PCOS. The bad news is that I will probably have to have surgery and/or go on meds for the rest of my life. The good news is that this doctor believes there is a good chance that I will get pregnant and that she has found a medicine that should help me stay pregnant. That pretty much made my week!

Today is my husband's birthday (post to come) and also his first day as GM of Victory Pre-Owned in Pikeville, Tennessee. You can check out the dealership on the website here - http://www.victorypikeville.com/

It seems to be a beautiful area, but even farther from my dad and grandparents. We also do not know anyone who lives there and the kids were hoping to get to move close to their grandfather. I decided when I found out about this move that I was going to just focus on the positives instead of crying about missing home...

This is a wonderful opportunity for my husband to move up in the management world. This will be HIS dealership. He will control all aspects of how it is run and he will have about 10 people working under him. This can give him major recognition in the business.

My kids can live in a safer, more laid back neighborhood. This is a SMALL town with a low crime rate and a very neighborly atmosphere. They can even choose to ride the bus to the dealership instead of home if they choose to.

We can get a fresh start for our family. Since we have been married, we have either lived in my hometown or my husband's. This gives us the change to make new friends and depend more on each other.

I will have the opportunity to work and help as well. I can either choose to stay at home and further my Interior Design career OR I could possibly help out at the dealership so that I could be around my husband more.

DJ will have better hours overall. Although he will be responsible for more, this dealership is actually closed more than the one he is at now. We are hoping this means more family time!

God put a need on our heart to get a fresh start. He had been speaking to both of us for months about moving somewhere and starting over. I truly feel that this is exactly what we needed and I look forward to seeing what the future holds.

I should change the name of the blog from "Life in the FAB Lane" to "Life In The FAST Lane" but we are so blessed and thankful to have this opportunity!



So, are there any bloggers out there living in the Pikeville, Tennessee area?? :)

Behavior Board

I have been working so hard on behavior and consequences for the boys. I have read alot of articles and tried to find something to work. A couple of months ago, my boys begged me to buy a movie and I decided to buy it and make them earn it - and it worked.

I gave them a ticket (picture below) each time they did something nice, followed a rule, put their clothes away without asking, etc..
and once I realized that was the best way to teach my kids to follow the rules and help around the house, I got an idea for a "behavior board." We also use stickers for the boys that they can earn by making good grades or doing random acts of kindness without being asked. They put their stickers onto a cut-out such as the balloon below and then once they get 20, they can turn them in for 30 minutes of one on one time with the person of their choice - mom or dad.

We sat the boys down and let them help list the rules, pick the rewards, and actually help me make and decorate the board. We did this the day before school started and I am going to have it framed and then I will hang it somewhere for the whole family to see.

Be a STAR and follow the rules is our family motto. I encourage all my mom friends to give this a try because it has made things so much easier for me. Between school, homework, football, and DJ's work schedule, I need anything to help me get these boys to listen and also to appreciate hard work.

Do any of you have something similiar to this or use a method in your home? If so, please share for the other moms reading so that we can all share ideas!

Football Time In The Jackson House!!!

We might be five days away from UT football and in pre-season for my Titans but...

My babies have given me the fever already...football fever that is!!!!!
Ace's first home game, first year playing! Jackson, #7!!

Here is Ace watching Blaze's game with his buddy, Jayden (this was on his birthday - happy birthday buddy!!)

They have worked so hard and are so dedicated. It's hard to believe that my 5 year old can withstand practice three to four nights a week, two hours a night, in 100 degree weather! We are teaching them early what it means to stay dedicated and work hard! Vision plus energy equals success!!

Go Mountaineer Orange - Jackson Boys #20 and #7!!!

Puppy Love - Zoe Belle Edition!

This is the new addition to our family, Zoe Belle Jackson. We got her for protection (she's a pitbull) however, so far, the only thing she is good for is licking toes! :)

Three Months...We Still Miss You.

Our baby passed away three months ago and not a day has gone by that she hasn't been a part of my day's thoughts and memories. It has been a hard three months, but we have always truly been blessed. When you go through a tragedy, you learn things about yourself and the people who are closest to you. You learn who truly cares and who never did... but, most of all, you learn about mercy and grace from a loving God. You learn that God does NOT make mistakes and this WAS part of his bigger plan.

Rest In Peace Sweet Baby, We Love You And Miss You Everyday!

Movin On Up...

This picture (above) pretty much sums up how I have felt lately. I know that I complain alot about my husband's work schedule, but I just cannot stress enough how much harder it is to get work done at home when there is only one parent there. We finally had to sit down and make some big decisions for our family...
Does anyone recognize this school?

This might give you a little better hint.... :)

We are moving to Kingston! My hometown :)

We still have to - put our house on market, get our house ready to sale, let the boys finish up football season and at least one six week period of school, find a house to rent or purchase, pack up our whole house, giveaway or sale some of the junk we have accumulated, and somehow do all of this... around DJ's hectic schedule of running a store in Pikeville (40 minutes away!)

Pray for us as we embark on this adventure as a family!

Life Is Random (So Are My Posts!)

I had this tattoo designed for Allie. It has been three months since we suffered the loss of our child. Not a day goes by that I do not think about what life would be like right now if the doctors could have kept her alive in the womb. I would almost be six months pregnant and probably complaining about the hot weather. I would give anything to get her back, but I know she is resting in the arms of Jesus and I hold tight to that when I am feeling depressed. I am still trying to decide where to put the tattoo and also the size. I'm also wondering if I should put her death date in the cross. All ideas welcome.
I can't imagine life without these boys. They make everything so fun. I took them to a random lunch last week and they had a blast wearing LJS hats and pretending to be pirates! Never a dull moment!!

And my last random (very cute) moment of last week was seeing my dad running and playing on the playground with my babies. It is one of those memories you can just never forget and replay over and over in your head... they love their poppi so much - and we don't get to see him as much as we wish we could (but that's going to change soon!!!)