Emotional.

Without sharing too much (because I know i'm bad for that), I just had to come say how blessed I am. This year has been one of the best and worst years of my life, if that makes sense. I have learned alot about the true meaning of love, friendship, forgiveness, marriage, trust, christianity, and self worth. I still have alot to learn, but I'm finally opening up and that feels good.



Everyone probably knows that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a long time now. We unfortunately lost a baby at the first of the year. It was very hard on both of us, but also on our kids. They did not seem to understand that one day we are having a baby and the next day we are not. They also had a hard time dealing with the next two months that followed, as did I. After I lost the baby, I had horrible bleeding. I bled for sixty days straight and ended up having to have a blood transfusion. The whole ordeal was horrible. I have always been told that I could possibly have endometriosis, but it was finally diagnosed for sure. I also have a tilted cervix, polyps, and some cancer cells that have spread, left scars, and caused irritation. This may sound like a horrible ordeal, but something really good came out of it. My family got closer than they have ever been. My marriage got a fresh new start and DJ and I found a newfound love for each other even when we didn't think it was possible. God carried me through everything and he still continues to carry us today as we are still trying to conceive. We have full faith that we are on God's timing and he will give us a baby if/when we're ready.



I am so thankful for all the family and friends who have stood by us through the whole ordeal. I cannot express how much you all mean to me. Other things including the loss of my nana have also happened this year and my friends and family were there - no questions asked. I know that every single one of you are in my life for a reason and I am so very thankful for that - really!



Sometimes I see people whining or ranting (and sometimes I even do it myself), but you don't really hear people talking about the good things that God is doing. I guess that is why i'm so emotional. My heart may mourn the loss of my nana and my heart ache to be holding a baby, but I am also joyful that I was saved by grace. That I have been given this chance even though I fall so short of the glory. I don't say things on my facebook to offend anyone, I am just a person with alot of heart and it gets me in trouble sometimes. I have a sincere love for people and I truly care about all of the people that are in my life. It takes me a long time to let people in, but once I do, you are my family for life.



I know I have made mistakes. I have said things I had no business talking about, hurt people's feelings, or did something out of anger, but I really just desire a brand new start with a few people. I want a chance to let all of that go and let God heal those wounds. If I have ever done any of those things to you, please know that I have tossed and turned over the mistakes i've made in the past and I truly am a new person. Made new through Jesus!



I just want to tell my daddy how much I truly love him. How I know that the past is the past and that I could not be more proud of him. My children adore him and he is their hero - and he was mine when I was a little girl. I have always tried to make my daddy proud. I hope he reads this knowing without a shadow of a doubt that my love for him grows everyday and that I appreciate every sacrifice he made and every little thing he did because it made me who I am today.



I want to tell my amazing husband how he has healed so much of my past and been the biggest inspiration in my life! I cannot put into words all of the things this man has done for my heart and soul. When I met him, I was angry and hard to love. I was ready but scared. He showed me the true meaning of commitment and love, even when things were not pretty. We started out with nothing and we worked so very hard to be where we are today. Never has he complained that he has to work for provide for us. He always comes home telling me thank you for anything and everything I have done that day. The one who really needs the thank you is him. Thank you for being my dream come true. Thank you for allowing me to live that fairy tale life. Thank you for making me fall in love with you everyday... and thank you for choosing me to spend the rest of your life with. I live to be a help to you. I try to be everything to you that you are to me! I love you!!



I want to tell my kids how much I am proud to be their mom! They are always telling me i'm the best mom, but the truth is that they deserve nothing less than the best. I go to bed praying every night that my children feel loved and wanted every single day for their whole life. I try to teach them morals and values, but have fun along the way. When I got pregnant at 19, I'm sure people expected me to fail, but Blaze was the reason I could not do that. Some mothers do not seem to have that same thinking, but Blaze truly changed my life forever. I cannot imagine not being here with my babies all day, everyday. I talk about being stressed sometimes, but I truly love being a stay at home mom. I have been here to see every milestone from walking to talking to writing to playing football to anything! Ace, my little wild man, you steal the show anytime you are around. You are mama's little boy and you always will be. Thank you for telling me you love me 10000 times a day. Every single one of those times, I needed to hear it. Thank you Blaze for your huge heart and giving nature. You have a bigger heart than anyone else I know and because of that, you are my inspiration. I hope you both know how much mama loves you.



To my sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, in laws, and all other family - You have blessed me with more love than I deserve. Thank you and I love you from the bottom of my heart.



To my friends, thank you for putting up with me. It isn't easy for me to let people in, but please know that I do not use the word "friend" lightly. I pray that each and every one of you knows just how much I need and want you in my life. None of your positive thoughts or prayers goes unnoticed.



So, yes, I labeled this EMOTIONAL for a reason. My emotions are running wild today. I have lost so many dear friends and family members this year and I just can't let another day go by without letting everyone know how much they are loved and appreciated. All of this love that we express, it didn't come without a price. Jesus shed his blood for us and although we experience pain and heartache in this lifetime, it is only temporary. We just have to keep our eyes on the prize. Anytime I am feeling overwhelmed, I just take it to the foot of the cross.



We were not put here to deal with things on our own. We have a loving God who has desires for us to experience love and joy and comfort. So, if at anytime you are dealing with something, please don't hesitate to share it with me so I can try to do something about it - I will pray for you, talk to you, or help you anyway that I can. That goes for anyone, all of my friends and family - no exceptions! I am an open book and I try not to place judgement. Never feel alone no matter what. If God can heal my heart, he can heal anyone. He is just waiting for you to take that step...



So I will end this with -



I Love You.